Tips for Outsmarting Our Snowy Overlords
So, um, yeahh, it’s been several days since the East Coast Snowpocalypse 2K10, and ummm, there’s still a shitload of snow everywhere. Especially if you live in any of the outer boroughs. At the time of this writing anyway, I STILL can’t walk on either of the sidewalks bordering the back of McCarren Park.
So, instead of holding my breath for those fat cats in Albany to do anything about it, I just take one of those good ol’ vacations: inside my brain-style! Here’s what you can do to make this so-called winter wonderland into Alice’s adventures in wonderland:
1) Pretend you’re an Antarctican explorer…..every time you walk down the street. You’re kind of a big deal!
2) Get yourself some Hunter or other good brand of galoshes if you’re too poor to buy real snow-resistant shoes, and pretend you’re a modeling for a fashion spread in a magazine called “Soldier Chic”.
3) Never leave the house and make a big stew for all your friends. Only make sounds that the Swedish Chef from The Muppets would make.
4) Pretend you’re on that one episode of I Love Lucy where everyone gets snowed in at a cabin in Switzerland and starts confessing their deepest secrets because they think they’re going to die. Or, actually, don’t do that. You should totally reenact that one where Ethel and Lucy eat all the chocolate on the conveyor belt instead, though. It’s not like you’ve got anything better to do.
5) Go cross-country skiing down the street with an indignant look on your face. Though, eat your heart out, Palm Springs, I don’t have to go all the way to the mountains to ski!
6) Tie a bunch of stray cats with shoelaces together to a cardboard box to fashion your very own animal-powered sled! You’ll be the talk of the town on Crazy People Weekly (a magazine that SHOULD exist if it already doesn’t) and Sarah Palin’s new #1 object of animal cruelty envy.
7) Make snow ice cream– a REAL thing that my friend Laurel makes.
8 ) Go up to people and tell them to “don’t get the bite”. Where are those damn squirrels when you need them?
Hopefully by the time this post is published there is actually still snow on the streets so I won’t seem like an asshole.