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A Scumbag’s Guide to Portland – Part 3

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Picture shamelessly stolen from

Picture shamelessly stolen from

Happy Monday my beautiful, sexy, hilarious rip city scumbags! If you’re one of the few PDeX’s that is unfortunate enough to be employed, chug some coffee and shake off the weekend, because it’s over now and your boss can totally tell you’re hungover and you smell like whiskey, still. Welcome to part three of A Scumbag’s Guide to Portland. This week is a good one, because M-R are great letters, and also your hair looks really nice today and everyone has a crush on you and your ex secretly looks at your Facebook page to see what you’re up to, every day, still.

Magic Gardens /Mary’s – I am posting these two at the same time because they are two of the best/worst strip clubs in the universe and if you find yourself attending either of them, than it won’t matter which one you’re at and you probably won’t be able to tell the difference anyways. The first time I went to Mary’s (Magic Gardens? Who knows?) I think the lady entertaining us was maybe six months pregnant. One of them (Magic Gardens? Mary’s?) doesn’t even have a pole so it’s just you, and the dancer, and all the other people, staring at a slightly elevated stage while sipping watered-down Taaka vodka drinks or whatever. They might get their booze from Costco. Verdict is still out. But the next time you go, i might be there, and it’s one of the only venues in which I will be willing to give you a high-five, so take advantage of that if I am standing upright.

Picture shanked from

Picture shanked from

HONORABLE MENTION: Meat Cheese Bread – Those three things are a party in and of themselves, but this place puts them together and probably adds in fucking fairy dust or something because I don’t even think I added hot sauce the last time I was there. (I would probably add hot sauce into my cereal if my cat Lemmy didn’t always stare at me all Judge-y McJudgerson, so that’s saying quite a bit.) I like hot sandwiches (ewwww. Why does that sound so gross?) so I generally go with pulled pork or whatever special they happen to bless the world with on that day. Everything is delicious though. Also, listen dudes and babes, please don’t bail on desert because you want to “drink your calories” or something dumb like that because their bread pudding is so good that it will make you emotional.

Ned Ludd – ‘Chloe!’ you are probably thinking, ‘do they even allow your kind into such establishments?’ Well the totally awesome answer is YEAH UH-HUH THEY DO because I’ve been there a few times now. Even a scumbag needs to wine and dine every once in a while and let me tell you, Nedd Ludd is worth all of your shiny nickles. The decor is adorable – seriously, it looks like you blacked out one totally fun night and then somehow managed to stumble your way into Julia Child’s wacky trophy-hunting stepson’s French countryside kitchen. Their food changes by the season (I know right? So cute you want to barf. I know.) but I always order whatever has duck in it. Cuz REFINED TASTES, and shit.

Original Hotcake House – Drunk and hungry? (Drungry! WHOA I just made that up. Feel free to retweet.) Lurking east of everywhere? Then slink on over and slump down into the calming, sleazy darkness of the OG Hotcake house. Drink watered down coffee and smash stack and stacks of pancakes into your face. Shame you can’t smoke in here anymore because it has the feel of a place that should still be engulfed in potential cancer. The light won’t hurt your eyes (there’s not really too much of it) and the waitresses have all been there for ‘too damn long’ or whatever and then there is also pie. This place is seething with Bukowski. The uninviting atmosphere is coveted by scumbags already, though, so getting a table can take a little bit. Everybody here is such a dick, too. Don’t bring the kittens – take advantage of the fact that this place is open 24 hours, and treat it like a place that’s open 24 hours. 2am and later is best.

People’s Sandwich of Portland – More sandwiches, Chloe? HELL YES MORE SAMMICHES. ALWAYS with the more sandwiches! The People’s Sandwich is a cute little Communist shop on the west side and they have a totally adorable “solidarity, BROTHER” type of relationship with Sizzle Pie and everything is just great, you guys. Just great. Many a whiskey-fogged day-after has been made more bearable by shoving their pepperoni rolls (they’re not served that often, so if you see em on the menu – opportunity is knocking. Answer the door, man.) down my throat. Their specials are always my go-to, but I could just as easily fall in love with one of their Philly cheese steaks and then what the hell was I just talking about? Jesus shit i’m hungry.


The Queen of Hearts Tavern - constantly open for business.

The Queen of Hearts Tavern – constantly open for business.

Queen of Hearts Tavern – HA HA!!! I found a rad dive bar that begins with Q and that’s why I am able to write mediocre blog posts for scumbags and you don’t bother! (Wait. What?) If you want a Hell’s Angel, broken pool-cue, well-flavored whiskey kind of night, bike on over (VROOM VROOM, not ding ding. Leave your fixed gear at home. Why don’t you have any brakes, anyway? God you are a creep.) to The Queen of Hearts. Located in beautiful SE Portland, the only requirements for this place are some drinking cash and a scowl. The place features events like custom bike shows, has a couple games and is home to a league of upstanding PDX pool-players. I got a whiskey soda and I am still hungover from it this week, so waste no time on vetting venues, all you motorcycling low-lives! This place is brimming with the ingredients to make your next good old-fashioned bar scuffle the one you tell your grand kids about.

Lauren and I, taking in the beautiful scenery at Reel M Inn

Lauren and I, taking in the beautiful scenery at Reel M Inn

Reel M Inn – 45 minutes we waited, impatiently drinking our totally weird-tasting drinks, to stuff our faces with chicken out of a deep fryer that probably hasn’t been cleaned since the very concept of the deep fryer was invented. That is my feeling about this place, because I have no clue how else this fried chicken is so goddamend delicious. Do you know what a jojo is? If you thought “No. What the hell is a jojo?” then you are probably healthier than the average patron at Reel M Inn. Sports on the big screen, if your into that kind of thing, and a random lottery of morbidly obese and/or tattooed regulars. The bartender was an absolute doll but I forget her name entirely because I drink at night. They have six kinds of condiments that they bring to your table, as well as a ranch sauce container thing for every person in your dining party and I don’t even care that I am probably going to have a heart attack in like five minutes.

Me and Luke, extremely excited to be at Robo Taco.

HONORABLE MENTION: Robo Taco – Similar to most animals that crawl out of San Francisco’s mission district alive, I have a life-threatening addiction to burritos. This is a serious problem. I love you, Rip City, but…burritos. You’re so bad at them. I went to one place that told me, “We don’t have guacamole here,” like it was a totally normal thing for a burrito place not to have and that that totally wouldn’t ruin my day/life. I actually feel depressed now, after remembering that. Thanks a lot guys. Anyway Robo Taco’s burritos are the closest thing I’ve found to home, and their tacos are cheap and really good. I go for carnitas, but if I jumped off a bridge would you jump off a bridge too? No. So try whatever meat or vegetarian option you’re in the mood for that day and get a cheap tattoo at Lady Luck next door by my buddy Jason while you’re at it. And there is an 87% chance that I will be down the block at Star Bar, so like, wave. Or whatever.

BE SURE TO RETURN NEXT WEEK! Same bat time, same bat channel.

X’s and O’s for real.




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Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado

Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado

I like kittens, 40s, cupcakes, pizza, metal, thigh-highs, weekends, travelling, and parks. Lemmy is god. That's...that about covers it.