5 Disney Characters That Could Survive as Broke-Ass New Yorkers
A dream is a wish your bank account needs to plan for in advance.
Last night, as I finished Facebook stalking kids from middle school, I realized how many Disney Characters were financially challenged. And I couldn’t help but wonder if they could survive in a city like New York? Let’s find out!
Timon And Pumbaa (And Simba by Default)
Movie: The Lion King
Broke-Ass Stats: Timon and Pumbaa lived in some weird part of the African jungle that seemed to neighbor Rafiki’s home. They lived off of fruits and bugs and such, and the fact that they didn’t run with the other meerkats or wart hogs was sign, enough, that they did not have a community of support.
Their Life in New York: Would likely consist of smoking a lot of weed, living in Deep Brooklyn (East New York or Bensonhurst) or Newark and smoking lots of weed. Now in my mind, Rafiki would own some sort of small shop selling specialty items or have a table set up at the Brooklyn Bazaar or the weird marketplace in the Lower East Side, near Le Poisson Rouge.
Jack Sparrow
Movie: Pirates of The Caribbean Franchise
Broke-Ass Stats: Everything about Jack Sparrow tells you he’s broke. He looks like he’s never heard the word dentist; he steals, drinks cheap liquor and owns a sword.
His Life In New York: He’d be hanging out in Union Square until the cops arrived to kick him out. He doesn’t seem like he’d have any real talent… in fact, he seems like he’d be hanging out most anywhere until the cops would come around to kick him out. And yet, somehow, I’m 100 percent sure he would be one of those people who are New York Famous.
Robin Hood
Movie: Robin Hood
Broke-Ass Stats: In my mind, he got into archery because he was able to buy a bow and arrow for cheap, from some sort of Medieval Goodwill Store or Buffalo Exchange.
His Life In New York: An attorney. But, one of those attorney’s who’s always on the business end of a class-action lawsuit against big, corporate America… or some sort of cyber-terrorist gunning for Wall Street… or possibly the only person who could have made Occupy Wall Street worth a damn. *sighs* I wish you were real, Robin Hood.
Cinderella
Movie: Cinderella
Broke-Ass Stats: As an adult, I’m convinced that she was left some sort of hefty inheritance after the passing of her father, but her bitch stepmom, somehow, stole all the money and kept it for the sisters.
Her Life In New York: Because of her uncanny ability to convince a fairy godmother to style her in, what was likely, the fairy tale equivalent of a high-end makeover—a Vera Wang ball gown, Jimmy Choo stilettos, diamonds, hair, make up, a Hummer style stretch-limousine, and a full staff—all for some party for a douche-y prince, who probably didn’t want to get married anyway. (But, whose parent’s were all like, “you better get married or we’re cutting you off.”) I can only conclude that Cinderella would be a grant writer/fundraiser person/publicist. She obviously knows how to raise capital and get people on her side and I say, good for her!
Aladdin
Movie: Aladdin
Broke-Ass Stats: DAMN! He was broke! Unlike Sparrow, his thievery was accompanied by a pretty-boy charm. He lived in a modest mud loft on, what I’m sure is, the equivalent of the Bronx in Saudi Arabia, and hung out with a monkey (who I’m sure was not vaccinated). He had no shoes, so I’m going to assume he had tetanus and/or polio.
His New York Life: Aladdin strikes me as a real opportunist. Think about it, he employed a genie to help him commit identity fraud and he lied to his future wife about his entire existence. I can only, reasonably, conclude that he would be selling tickets to comedy clubs in Times Square.
Let it also be known that all Disney musical numbers in this scenario will actively be replaced by the “Showtime!” kids on the subways. Now see, didn’t that make you feel better about being in your 20s and living in the Big Apple?
Hakuna Ma-fuck it.
