Oscars Fashion: the Good, the Bad, and the Fugly
While the rest of the world was gearing up for the actual Oscars ceremony, me and my mates were watching E! Which is like straight up candy cigarettes for all of us fashionistas and fashion bloggers, or any girl who dreams of wearing a designer gown on a red carpet.
What did we see? Shit. Absolute shit. Where’s the Glam Cam? The Nail Cam? Guiliana wasn’t even on the red carpet.
Chris Rock brought it all to light…
“Everything is not about race, man. Another big thing tonight is, you’re not allowed to ask women what they’re wearing any more. It’s a whole thing. You know. Ask her more…like you ask the men more.”
Just because women are fighting for equal pay in this crap industry doesn’t mean we don’t like to feel pretty and loved.
“They ask the men more, because the men are all wearing the same outfits…every guy is wearing the exact same thing. You know, if George Clooney showed up with a lime green tux on and a swan coming out his ass, somebody would go, ‘What you wearing, George?'”
If I ever write a script that gets me to the Oscars you better straight ask me who I’m wearing. There will be no, “Um.” Or pause. I will confidently tell you who the damn designer is and hold for the camera like I’m on a boat with Leo.#
Some people just don’t have this fashion thing licked.
The Wolf Of Sunset Blvd.
Ashley Graham. She said she couldn’t find anything to wear. So raiding a stripper’s closet on Sunset was the way to go?
I could just see her interview with Ryan Seacrest:
“What are you wearing?”
“Jizz. I’m covered in Jizz”
Hello, Rent The Runway. Or call a plus size designer and say, “Hi. I just broke the world with my Sports Illustrated cover. Could you loan me something that’s classy?”
Capris Gone Wrong
Oh, Pharell. High waters are not high fashion, Honey. No one wants to see your chicken legs.
Just because Full House made a comeback does not mean Family Matters needs to…
Botox or Blow
Mindy Kaling had this weird thing going on with her mouth. My best friend and I simultaneously messaged. She’s on the left:
I love her but my Dad would call that “two cats in a sack fightin’ to get out”. He’s from WV. *say it with a country accent and it’s funnier.
Heidi Klum looks like she should be in a Dynasty Episode. She’s been draped in a Calgon Bath. A whole fucking bath tub of ‘take me away’.
You know when your own producing partner in fashion, Tim Gunn, calls you a “parade float” you look like a deranged Easter bunny…like a purple nightmare.
For the love of Jesus Christ and Peanut Butter
I thought David Bowie died.
Tilda Swinton: Hot orange mess. Personally, I think Drop Dead Fred wore it better.
“Sinead O’ Rebellion”
Here comes the Beave in all her glorious “I don’t give a fuck” swagger. If you’re gonna roll up in THE Academy Awards, knowing you have to get on stage in front of a bunch of misogynistic ass-badgers, might as well rock a leather coat. I mean, what did you a-holes in Hollywood think the ‘costume’ designer for Mad Max: Fury Road was going to wear to the Oscars?
A Mexican wedding gown?
Alicia Vikander wanted to look like Belle, but this turned way more Beast than beauty! Especially when Margaret Cho asked, “How many queefs did it take to inflate that skirt?”
Good God no. The Beave showed up like a bad-ass. Thank you, Jenny Beaven. For at least telling all those bitter men in the industry to suck it. Swarovski flames. Suck em’ hard.
The Oscars blew harder than a 17 year old on prom night. There was one really grand moment.
Leo finally got his fucking Oscar.