Dark Anecdotes Of A Dating Idealist: Fetishes
I’d been back and forth from LA to NY and it seemed like I’d finally get settled with my friend, Gina somewhere we could be free to play Doris Day records and never wear pants. However upon my arrival it was clear that things had changed, Gina had a new boyfriend. He wasn’t the outgoing type and I wouldn’t usually take that personally, except the tension between us was palpable. This combined with the fact that I’d gained 12 lbs and no one would hire me, despite going on 10 interviews a day. This was the exact formula that caused me to date, Keith.
My friend, Marina was bartending one night and I sat at the bar while her co-worker, Keith, poured me endless free shots of tequila. I felt so unappealing at the time that I didn’t notice he was flirting. That became obvious later when I picked up a couple of shifts at the same bar. I have a rule of not hooking up with co-workers, being that my last serious boyfriend was one, but Keith was persistent. My best friend was always off with her boyfriend who didn’t like me, and I didn’t have gas money to go meet people, so I gave it a shot.
Keith was cute, sweet, a bit awkward and really into me. This all made him harmless… so I asked him to be my date to a friend’s wedding. He showered me with compliments and kissed me under the stars like a Kate Hudson movie. For the next 2 weeks, Keith was attentive, loving and proud to show me off. Nevertheless, at that two-week mark, something changed drastically. He wouldn’t listen to me or laugh at my jokes. He didn’t try in bed or pay for dinner. We would mostly stay in and I would sit on his couch watching movies while he did chores. At one point he invited me to a club where his business partners were taking some girls they’d hired to work for their new venue. He pretended he didn’t know me the entire night. One of the girls asked if I was one of the new hires and when I said I was there with Keith, she looked at me with utter compassion and said, “I’m sorry.”
As time went by I felt more and more invisible. I would break things off with him, but he would beg me to stay, only to be a complete dick to me all over again. He’d ignore me as I stood naked in front of him and wouldn’t even kiss me anymore. I would’ve told him to fuck off for good, but I felt like he was all I had. I desperately tried to make him see me, but he just wanted me there for the fuck of having someone to fill space.
One day, after he made me pay for lunch (knowing that I barely had a job), he confessed to me that he used to have a crush on his roommate’s girlfriend. She was a cute Latina that he met at another gig. Later a co-worker let slip that Keith had hooked up with a little brunette from the bar next door. I thought it was curious that my friend Marina mentioned upon introducing us that they once made out. I realized he definitely had a thing for brunettes, especially Latinas.
The more I dug in, the more obvious it became that he had a pattern. I discovered at least 5 girls from work he’d messed around with, and they all had two things in common: brown hair, dark skin. Some of these girls weren’t even attractive. I began to see just how much I wasn’t a person to him, but a stereotype. It didn’t matter that I was funny or smart. The truth is that I could’ve been a broom with a brown wig and he wouldn’t know the difference. I’d never known what its like to be with someone who didn’t know me. I have a personality that people either love or hate and there is nothing more daunting than feeling like the one you’re most intimate with is completely unaware. I was a collectible, an ornament, an idea of a companion but not an actual one.
When we stop caring for ourselves, there’s never going to be someone who will come along and fix us. I felt invisible, so I allowed someone in my life who treated me as such. But no matter how shitty you feel about yourself, always work on loving you. Otherwise, you will end up with people who treat you only slightly better than you treat yourself… and then you’re fucked.
*Names have been changed to protect those involved
