FinanceNew ShitPress

E-Cig Exec Claims Only Side-Effect of ‘Vaping’ is looking like a ‘Douche bag’

Sign up for the best newsletter EVER!

Photo by @HookahSlut45

E-cigarette Executive M. Burns told the press Wednesday, “This recent outbreak of lung injury is not caused by E-Cigarette products,” he said, “we did extensive testing, and the only measurable side effect of using ‘vapes’, was a significant increase in douche levels in the individual.”

In fact, dangerous levels of ‘douche’ have been measured in vape users across the nation, but most alarming are the numbers in teenagers.   Government funded studies conducted in 2018 showed about 37 percent of 12th-graders admitted they had tried vaping that same year.  And over the past few months hundreds of vaping connected illnesses have been reported in teenagers, there were also as many as 7 deaths in the USA connected to vaping.

“Listen”, Mr. Burns told the press.  “None of those 7 deaths were caused by my company’s products or any of the hundreds of lung injuries reported across 38 states this year.” He continued, “Our vape pens may create more ‘Ali-G looking douchebags’ in the world, but there is no proof they cause fatal lung damage!”“Our vape pens may create more Ali-G looking douchebags in the world, but there is no proof they cause fatal lung damage!” – E-cig Executive Burns

Physicians have reported increased dependency on nicotine as well as an explosion of the use of incredibly douchy terminology.  If you hear your teen use the following terms, contact a physician immediately:

“Phat Clouds”
“Sick e-juice hommie”
“#vapelife”
“My eyebrow ring is still infected”
“Vape Charged”
‘Mango flavored JUUL”
“Insane Clown Possie”
“Menthol”
Propylene Glycol” 
“That’s Gucci AF”

If your teen or one of your peers has been heard using this language they may be in danger of becoming a massive douchebag, please refer to the CDC for instructions on what to do.

Seriously though.  E-cigarettes are very addictive, nicotine delivery systems that have not been proven safe by the FDA.  The CDC has recommended that no one should use vaping products until they figure out why people are dying and getting sick from lung injury.  The JUUL CEO (e-cigarettes biggest company) stepped down this week and was replaced by a big tobacco executive.  These people have been in the business of getting people addicted to nicotine for +100 years, while simultaneously denying any health hazards associated with their products.

We may have made up all the quotes for the above CEO in our article to make you laugh, but the articles bellow are dead serious, and legitimate resources on vaping.

A list of resources on the state of Vaping:

CDC: Outbreak of Lung Injury Associated with E-Cigarette Use, or Vaping

Washington Post: What we know about the mysterious vaping-linked illness and deaths

LA Times: Juul CEO steps down as worries about vaping grow

SF Chronicle: No on Prop. C: Don’t let Juul write San Francisco’s vaping laws

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

The Strange Economy of Fake Urine

Next post

E-cigarette Executive Claims Only Side-Effect of 'Vaping' is looking like a 'Douche bag'


Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

I'm the managin' editor here at Broke-Ass Stuart. When we're not writing, editing, or publishing articles, Stuart and I are promoting the good things in SF & NYC.

If you're a writer, artist, or performer who would like to get your work seen by our audience, or if you're a cool business and would like us to introduce you to our 120k social followers in a creative and engaging way, contact me at alex@brokeassstuart.com.