A Fat Guy’s Guide to Scam-y New Year’s Weight Loss Tricks

by Jonas Barnes

It’s a new year and a new decade, readers. I’ve given you a full week to get settled, and now I’m here to set you straight. If you’re a gym goer, you’ve surely already noticed that this week is a short breathed, sweaty hellscape of newly resolution-driven gym rats.

Here’s the thing about them, though: They’ll be gone in a few weeks. The “I’m Going To Work Out” resolution people fuck off pretty quickly. The real health related new years resolutions that stick are the dieting ones. People set a diet goal and quickly become extremely irritating to go out to dinner with.

Because of the CARBS you fucking IMBECILE!

Well I’m here as a person that has struggled with weight his whole life and visited many dietitians to tell you what to be cautious about. Seriously, it’s the only way I can use these man tits for the greater good so would you just let me have this, please?

The Keto Diet

I’m coming out swinging. The Keto Diet is GREAT. It works very well. But it isn’t perfect or really sustainable.

I’ll explain: If you can do Keto properly, you’ll lose weight and you’ll do it pretty quickly. It requires monitoring and discipline, though, and it’s not as easy as you’d expect. Some people think you can just stop bread & sugar, throw some butter & bacon into your pizza slut face and you’ll go down a bra size.

Incorrect, my friends. You have to check everything you eat for carb levels and you have to stick to it. Here’s the issue though: When you go off, your weight comes back with a fucking vengeance. So only do Keto if you’re planning on sticking to it for awhile. Also, consult a doctor before you just completely drop sugar…because it can kill some people if it’s not done properly.

Intermittent Fasting

This is another one that works but is also hard to sustain. Intermittent Fasting essentially means you consume all your calories during one window of the day, training your metabolism to work better.

It absolutely works. But again, once you stop, your weight comes back with a really pissy attitude and your metabolism is back to being shitty. It sucks but it’s true. Intermittent Fasting is a temporary fix.

Instead, after you’re done with the intermittent fasting experiment, try spacing your meals/eating out in 4 hour increments. Every 4 hours, eat something filling. Eventually, you’ll teach your body to want whole, vitamin rich foods on a relatively regular basis and it’ll refuse trash burgers and toilet tacos (we’re looking at you, Taco Bell).

Miracle Diet Products

Listen, just stop buying diarrhea tea and juice that makes you not want to eat for days. If a celebrity is the spokesperson, it’s probably going to taste bad and make you have extremely risky farts. It also won’t help you actually lose weight.

Cryo-Body Shaping

Yeah, freezing your fat is purely cosmetic and a waste of money. Don’t be a bougie shithead. It does nothing to help you lose weight and it doesn’t permanently remove any of your fat. You’ve been had! Hoodwinked! Bamboozled!

I’m out of old-timey terms to use but you get the idea. It’s also expensive and potentially dangerous to freeze your body fat cells. Remember how shitty cryo-freezing was in Demolition Man!? It’s safer to wipe your ass with 3 seashells. God, I love that movie.

Final Thoughts

Truthfully, there’s no “fix” or “secret” to weight loss. I’m still fat as shit but I’m in better shape than I used to be. I still have work to do but I’ve been shown what works and what doesn’t by professionals AND by experience.

Part of that was exercise (I do kickboxing & cardio a lot) but the majority of my success came from changing the way I ate as a whole. Not dieting, retraining. I had to retrain my palate to not crave certain things like sweets and chemicals.

The key is having a calorie deficit and eating real foods. Start easy like eliminating soda or sweets. Then move onto eliminating processed foods and limiting things with chemicals. The biggest thing to pay attention to is your calorie intake compared to the calories you’ll burn with your exercise routine and just your daily resting calorie burn rate. Be active, truly actually give a fuck about your health and retrain your body to crave whole, natural foods.

Or just drink tea that makes you shit with so much force that you achieve lift-off. It’s your life, do what you want.