Jed York Web Summit
Jed York, Principal owner and CEO of the San Francisco 49ers, announced at a web conference on Wednesday that he planned to move the team back to San Francisco in 2032.
“I regret my decision to move the team to Santa Clara,” York said, I did it so I could have a shorter drive to my owner’s box, and because I was mad at the fan base for calling me a ‘nepo baby’ and making fun of my bald spot.”
No one in the crowd knew if the York was serious, and sporadic applause could be heard around the audience at the Hewlett-Packard Web Summit arena.
York added, “But now that Twitter has proven that the electrical substation is injuring our players and causing ‘bad vibes’ in the locker room, I’ve decided to build the stadium I originally promised at Candlestick Point.”
The crowd erupted in applause, and York stood up from his chair and yelled, “No More Santa Clara Phonie Niners!”
He then sat back down, stared into the camera, and said, “April Fools, you dummies, we’re a Silicon Valley franchise now, so have fun squinting into the sun at Levi’s for the next 100 years.”
This post is satire, on account of it being April Fool’s Day.
