Local Gay Man Boldly Announces He Won't Be Watching the Superbowl

This is satire. None of the following happened because none of these people exist.

On Saturday, a local gay man boldly announced he won’t be watching the Superbowl. “When will this straight pride parade be over? 🙄” the aging Millennial posted to Facebook, triggering Conservative relatives he hadn’t yet blocked. “Add it to the list of shit I don’t give a f*ck about,” he argued, like the Olympics, Australia, or poor people. His Sunday night plans, billed “outstanding,” consisted of light cleaning, stewing beef, and shit-talking family he went no-contact with.

Meet David Caruthers

If David Caruthers had his druthers, fashion would matter more than football.

Caruthers, 37, was less than thrilled to learn that Superbowl LX would take place in the Bay Area. “But why? The 49ers don’t even play in San Francisco,” said the Castro resident. The week prior to the big game was fraught with mounting football fandom. At work, on Muni, even his beloved gay bars, where nice wholesome porn was rudely swapped with game recaps; nowhere felt safe. Colleague Lauren Thompson, 35, attempted to commiserate, but repelled the grumpy Caruthers by calling it “the Superb Owl.”

“On Friday, this weird-ass woman interrupted my lunch and just started talking,” he said, wincing.

When asked if Thompson was just trying to be friendly, Caruthers confirmed he would rather set fire to his anus. “Her entire personality is Disney and divorce,” he said. “It was like junior high all over again.”

Lauren Thompson (above) isn’t sure why colleague David Caruthers didn’t think her Superb Owl joke was funny. “My gam-gam loves that one.”

We asked Caruthers if he attended junior high in San Francisco. He gave a cagey “No,” adding that it was none of our business where he was from. I pictured Kansas, Montana, someplace dry and windy. A simple Facebook search revealed he went to high school in Fresno.

Also like junior high, Caruthers wondered if he should just pick a team and be done with it. “Even if I did, they’d just test me on it later, like, ‘Who’s your favorite player? Your favorite cheerleader?’ I’m not you, Dad! I just don’t care!”

A touchdowny subject

Does David’s disdain for American football stem from a critique of the hyper-masculine, patriotic propaganda factory it is, or something else? The fashion major graduated from FIDM in 2014. He taught there until its closure in 2020. With the fashion industry all but dead in San Francisco, a disenfranchised Caruthers grew bitter and resentful of the world. Was his father right after all? Should he have pursued “a man’s career” to be happy?

We reached out to David’s father, Mickey Caruthers (67) of Fresno, California, for comment.

The Gulf War veteran said he hasn’t heard from his son “since he up and moved to Fairyland.” He wasn’t surprised to hear of David’s dislike for America’s holiest holiday. “Dave’s always been like that. ‘Sensitive,’ says his mother. Whatever. So he can do the impossible and sew a half-loop top stitch on the hem of a low-viscosity rayon dress. Big whoop.”

Retired Private First Class Mickey Caruthers’ platoon group portrait, Desert Storm, 1991. Creative commons. But really, this is a photo from a live-fire demonstration in which nobody was harmed.

When we asked what his Sunday plans included, he wrote back, “What do you think? Eat wings, get drunk as hell, yell at my wife and watch some goddamn FOOTBALL. HELL YEAH. GO PATRIOTS. And of course, talk shit on my gay-ass son for not living up to my dead older brother. I love you, Randy. You were one of the good ones.”