Mayor Lurie stood triumphantly at the podium on the steps of City Hall on Wednesday morning to announce he had won the California State Powerball worth $194 million. “Today, I’m excited to announce that my family’s net worth went up from 5.5 billion to almost 5.7 billion dollars thanks to the state of California, so yes, San Francisco is soo back, y’all!” The Mayor exclaimed.
“And we are going to be relentless in our drive to make San Francisco more affordable for its citizens, with this money we plan to pay for our teachers’ healthcare through 2027, fund free childcare for middle class San Franciscans, hire a musical director for the SF Symphony, and I’m going to personally talk to the Yorks about moving the 49ers back to San Francisco!” Lurie shouted to rapturous applause from the crowd.
But then a man in a black suit whispered in his ear, and Lurie changed his pronouncement and said, that the funds would be appropriated to cover “new tax cuts for private equity real estate investments in the East Cut”, and to pay for the bill for our “state-of-the-art surveillance cameras around the city.”
Then a guy in a Patagonia vest whispered in his ear, and Lurie added, “Also, huge news, we are also going to launch a new San Francisco crypto coin called ‘Daniel Coin’, to make San Francisco Great again! So keep an eye out for that!”
Then a 20-something wearing sunglasses and a red tie approached the mayor and whispered in his ear, and Lurie corrected himself, saying, "I’m hearing, the coin is to going have AI in it, and it's actually going to be called, ‘Dog Fart Money Bullet Cum Coin’! So San Francisco is going to the moon everybody!"
Then he finished by saying, "Happy April Fool’s Day!”
This post is satire, on account of it being April 1, 2026.
