By Touta Baher
Should you plan a quick trip to Utah?
With all this shit happening in San Francisco this past month, from PG&E power outages and explosions, cable cars crashing into one another, to even Waymo shutting down, you might feel like it’s a good idea to get out of the city for a little bit. Should you go to Utah? Probably not… well, maybe just to visit Moab. I only initially went to exact my revenge on Shia LaBeouf, who recently stole my girlfriend, my mother, and my bike. I read an article about how Utah has pretty high gun ownership, and I learned that you could buy explosives in Utah (like for real, actual-fucking-explosives). And coaxed by the recent US Military propaganda parade, I was convinced that acquiring the Mother of All Bombs (MOAB) would be my solution for dealing with my archenemy, Shia LaBeouf.
So I went down to a place called Moab, thinking their name was an advertisement for bomb store. But to my surprise, I found a little town instead of a bomb. I was filled with bloodlust, but somehow, this little town calmed my bloodlust into a blood-love. Not like a love of blood, but like the charm of the town infused love into my blood. Maybe I could forgive Shia after all? I mean Holes was good movie now that I think about it.
I stayed at the Gonzo Inn, a cool little Hunter S. Thompson-themed hotel. The hotel was pretty clean, with the exception of a few insects, which apparently are part of the territory in Moab. The hotel was reasonably affordable for SF standards (everything is) and had a decent pool. They even gave me a free bottle of wine when I got into my room.
The town is chill and smaller than the Tenderloin, so the entire downtown is walkable; it’s pretty much one street. Busy, I guess for Utah standards. There are a few cool cafes that serve some damn good coffee and pastries, which I hear is a luxury in Utah. The Italian food is OK, mid, even, but I found a restaurant that actually smacks called Gilberto’s. I got a really good breakfast burrito, even for SF standards, and it came in under $12.00, which isn't bad if you’re used to SF prices.
Besides weaponry, Moab has a lot to offer people who enjoy outdoor adventure activities, from hiking, mountain biking, off-roading, to trail running and camping. There are tons of rental and tour companies out there that can take you where you need to go and let you do what you want to do.
So, should you visit Utah… probably not; weed is illegal and it smells like hamsters. I was the only non-white person at most places I stopped, and I got a lot of weird comments such as, “Where are you from”, “Do you Speak English,” and my personal favorite, “What do you mean you’re not Indian”? This is also a big fuck you to all of Cedar City, especially Juliana, who took a shit in my hotel room and lied about it. But that is for another story. Just avoid that place at all costs. But Moab is a cute town and probably the safest place to visit in Utah if you are BIPOC or LGBTQIA. Also, last thing, don't fill up at the alien gas station, there is no gas. It’s an old Mormon trick.
Also stay off the dating apps. Don’t even think about trying to hook up. No one is DTF. But they are DTS (down to soak) which has less to do with swimming than you might imagine.
About Touta Baher: Touta Baher is a 5-time Nobel Prize winning-author and 12-time MacArthur Genius Grant recipient who lives in the Tenderloin. His Book White People Are Evil was selected as Book of the Century by Marjorie Taylor Greene and the Young Republican National Federation. He was even named The King of Feminism by a real-life woman named Candace after correcting her form at the gym.
You can follow @toutabaher, the man named most likable member of Antifa by Donald Trump on Instagram.
