Every year at The Great American Music Hall, John Waters gathers the coolest people in the Bay Area for his one-man show — this year, a SERMON — about everything he loves and hates, including politics, culture, bad taste, fashion, and dating advice. Instead of sharing everything on social media, John saves his thoughts and opinions for his show, as he says: “Why would I give it for free?” And he's right. He's always right. This show is priceless, and it's sold out.

Every Christmas, it’s a different show, and it gets better and better. Believe me, I've been attending religiously since 2010. Fans greet each other like it's the happiest day of the year, because for us, it truly is!

It's never recorded, so if you miss it, you will regret it. No photos allowed either. It's like a special secret time with our leader. In times when everything is shared, not recording and not allowing photos is an act of defiance. We can laugh and talk about anything — it's a space for freedom and resistance with the guidance of the coolest man on earth.

It's an honor and a privilege to have interviewed John Waters, my idol, once again.

Patricia Colli: Hi John! How are you doing? 

John Waters: I'm well. I'm in Provincetown. Yes, everything's good preparing for my Christmas tour. 

I’m so excited — is the first night going to be in San Francisco?

It is the first. It usually is first, and that’s always nerve‑wracking because it’s such a great audience and it’s the first time I do it, so I don’t know if the jokes are gonna work or anything. But yeah, it’s like a homecoming — and I have an apartment in San Francisco, so it’s a homecoming in many ways. I’m thrilled to be there. Night one: San Francisco!

You're always so great. I've been going for the past 14 years. 

Oh my God! 

This is my favorite day of the whole year. It's amazing, I don't know how you do it. Every year is better than the last. 

It's a new one every year, yeah, this year it's a sermon. 

A sermon?! Oh. Wow, it got me goosebumps now. 

Well, as you know, it's a completely new show every year. 

Oh, I know, I always tell people to come again. You've been very busy in the past few years, and there's so much to catch up on, like the new release of your screenplays. I got them signed from Atomic Books, but last week you launched the audio version, and it is INSANE!

It is insane! I remember recording it and doing the sex scenes and realize they were the most embarrassing. And I would look out of the corner of my eye and look at the technicians and think, what do they think, you know, but uh, it, it was schizophrenic to play every part in all my movies. It was a bizarre idea that both my agent and the audio company were at first silent when I pitched it, but then they both said, ‘That's a great idea’!

I'm so glad they did. I'm so glad this was made! Whenever I think your work can't get any better, you go on and launch that, and it's like the most transgressive piece of art that we've seen and heard this year.

Have you seen Seth Bogart's clothing line that I have with him? 

 Oh yes, absolutely. I have everything in doubles so I don't feel bad about using them. 

We have Christmas socks coming out during my Christmas tour.

Oh, nice, collector's item! My very favorite is a t-shirt of you holding baby Jesus. I bought it on Christmas a long time ago, when it was so hard to get any official merch from you. It's kind of rare now, people always ask me about it.

 Oh, that's an old one that was from before that. That was when we made our own t-shirts; that was my Christmas card one year. Every year the ad for my Christmas show is last year's Christmas card image. 

Nice. And your Christmas card is still my most coveted thing in the whole world. I'm not asking for one but…

They're arriving this week, and I have to sign 2100 of them. 

Lucky people! (Note: I even spotted a John Waters Christmas card in Pedro Almodóvar’s A Room Next Door — the scene where Julianne Moore is searching for the pill in Tilda Swinton’s drawers. I know, I’m sick.)

Your whole merch line from Wacky Wacko, the Academy Museum, and Traci Lords is like a dream for us fans. For years we had to dig through eBay and just hope you’d launch one new t-shirt at Christmas.

Thank you. You know I made barf bags, cum rags… I'm the first celebrity cum rag!

 Oh, I live for them. I love the pillowcase. It's one of my favorite, well I have so many favorites. Please keep them coming!

Something must really be the matter with you, but that’s lovely.

Well, I'm a huge John Waters fan. What can I say? I also LOVE the vinyls you're launching every year. They're also under the category: insane art. I was telling my friends about it, and I couldn't really explain it. I was like, this is the most insane piece of art and it really represents the times we're living.

Well, that original recording (Little Cindy) was on my date with John Waters CD. I even made the same mistake she made. She stumbles over a word in it, and so I purposely do the exact same stumble when I cover her. I felt like Cat Power doing Dylan. 

(laughs) I have to go back and listen to the original version now! Those compilations (A date with John Waters and John Waters Christmas) are perfect! I'm obsessed with them, that's why I'm very excited that you release new 7”vinyls on Sub Pop every Christmas.

The b-side,  the Pig Latin one's almost impossible to listen to. It was really torture to record it too. 

I've been meaning to ask you, what is Pig Latin? 

It was big in the ‘50s, parents used it so you wouldn't understand what they were talking about, but my mother taught it to me, and I have a history with Pig Latin. In Pink Flamingos, they skip and run in one take saying I way are way the filthiest people alive in Pig Latin, and it was really hard to get them to do it without a mistake. And Edith answers the phone in Polyester and says ellohay, which is hello. So I've always had pig Latin references. 

I mean, I wanna learn Pig Latin now. What is the first step? How can I learn it?

Well, let me see… Your name, Patricia, would be Atriciapay. You take the first letter off, put it on the back, and add AY. But then there's more rules to that. But that's simply it. 

I love it!! I got my first Pig Latin lesson from John Waters! What else can I ask for? My day is just getting better.

I never picked up foreign languages, but Pig Latin I did. I go to France. I can't speak French. I've tried, but Pig Latin, I got it.

Are you fluent in Pig Latin?

Yes. But I can't do pig Latin in French. That would really be scary when you'd have to translate it.

I love it. It's more like a secret language, it's cool.

Well, it is a code. It's, it is a secret language. A lot of people, if you grew up in the ‘50s, you heard of it, and I don't think anybody uses it anymore. I don't think parents ever use Pig Latin anymore. 

That's even better. I love this!

It's probably even politically incorrect to say Pig Latin.

(laughs) John, it keeps getting better!

You know what, I didn't even think of that.

Well, everybody, everything is incorrect these days, right? What is your advice for us to deal with this? Everybody's so angry, so frustrated…

The Republicans are now the woke ones. They're the ones that have trigger warnings. Both sides get on my nerves because they don't have any humor about themselves. The extreme left and the extreme, for once, I'm looking for a middle-of-the-road load. I'm right in the middle, and I NEVER was in the middle in my entire life, but I think that's the most radical thing now because the middle is the only one that has a sense of humor left.

 I agree. And how can we bring a sense of humor back to the world? It feels like the only thing that can save us.

My whole show is about that, how to use fashion, how to use politics, how to have a new kind of humor terrorism and the conversion therapy I wanna do.  I cover quite a bit of ways that we can try to change things. 

I'm feeling hopeful already!  Do you ever record the shows? 

No, I don't want to ‘cause then nobody will pay me to see it. The point is that you have to come to pay to see it, or else, otherwise everything's online. 

Yeah, it's true. And it's a really special night, I'd like to live in that moment forever. That's why I'm selfishly asking about it, but it makes total sense to have it live and that's it. 

Yeah, it's nice, people that come get dressed for me, they meet each other. It's a good place to meet a date. If you're single, it's a good place to come to hook up. 

That's true, I use you as a way to filter the good heteros. If they are John Waters fans, they have passed the test. Major stamp of approval. (Ironically the day after this interview I was walking down the street wearing JW merch and a cute hetero guy smiled and said "cool shirt”)

Yeah, I'm a very mixed audience. I'm not a separatist at all. 

It's a great crowd, and the fans are awesome. We see each other every year, and it's a tradition for some of us. We take photos and share our excitement for another John Waters Christmas, the only Christmas that matters.

That's great!

We're living in square times, algorithms and censorship are a reality. I was wondering how do you get away with all of this? Because you never lost your authenticity and you keep on working, as a matter of fact, you've been really busy and it's inspiring to see you accomplish so much during these scary times.

I get away with it because I make fun of myself first, and I only make fun of things I love, and I satirize the rules that we live by, not the rules we rebelled against. 

That's true. That's beautiful, actually. I want to go back to the screenplays for a bit, when you wrote those lines, were you also making the voices of each character? 

I was a puppeteer when I was young. I would do voiceovers all the time for animation. So I'm used to doing that. And I think being a puppeteer is why I could do all the voices. Because I did all the voices for all the characters in my puppet shows. 

It makes so much sense now! My favorite was you reading Aunt Ida and Gator's dialogue (laughs) the whole thing is precious!

I said to them in the beginning, ‘Is it better if I do each character all the way through and then you edit it'?’ And so I gave them a sample of both ways of me jumping back and forth and me doing each character, and they said, ‘We like when you jump back and forth because it sounds more insane. It sounds schizophrenic that you're just like jumping back and forth into different personalities.’ (laughs)

 And we can tell you're jumping back and forth, and it sounds very natural and insane. It is like your puppet show!

Actually. Well, I, you know, as people always say, you always did that anyway, you know, directors are not supposed to give line readings to actors, and that was a hard thing always for me not to do. Before I knew you weren't supposed to do that, I probably did do it. 

I love that. Thank you for doing this, giving us this gift for humanity. We needed this! 

(laughs) Well, thank you.

 Do you have any new exhibits coming soon? 

I just had a show in New Orleans called The Worst of John Waters. It just is closing in a week. I just came from that, so that's up now. Um, I did have a show in San Francisco. I had The Worst of Waters. It was completely different stuff. It was stuff that had never been shown in San Francisco, and the ones I did in New Orleans have never been shown in New Orleans. So no, I don't have a new show yet. I know what it's gonna be. I'm thinking about it, but definitely I still do continue to have art shows of stuff that I've done in the past, different things that maybe people haven't seen. 

The Worst of Waters in San Francisco was really great! What about a new book?

 Well, I know what it is, and I talked with my agent today, and I can get the deal. I just don't wanna pitch it yet because once they say yes, I have to add to my file card: WRITE NOVEL, you know. So, that's coming. I've thought it up. I started to write it. 

That's all I care for. You gave me hope, pig Latin, and really great news! 

I just want to share something crazy that happened a few months ago and it's one of these John Waterisms moments that I love and can't explain. I had some artwork in a group show at Eleanor Harwood here in San Francisco, it was my first time working with her. Two works sold, and I don't know if she didn't know much about me or how the conversation got to her telling the buyer that I'm a huge John Waters fan. He stopped and said he's from Baltimore and Divine used to be his babysitter!  

Oh my God. (laughs) I mean that's why I went to a good home, definitely.

I know, and I felt like I love this connection because the only thing she kind of knows about me is like my love for you. I probably went there to drop off art, wearing one of your hats. 

You know, Divine's parents ran a nursery school, and so Divine was not a very good ad for them. He was their only child.

 Every piece of the puzzle just gets better!  Well, John, always a pleasure. Thank you for doing what you do. 

Thank you. Say hi to me at the show, alright?

I definitely will. And if you actually mosh pit at Moswood Meltdown next year when you turn 80, know that I'll be there to catch you like I promised.

That's a tough one, but OK, I'll keep that in mind. I know every time you say something now you can never live it down…

We got you, John! Thanks for everything!

A John Waters Christmas

We’re naughty. We’re nice. But we’ve got lice! Yep, the alternative Clause with flaws, John Waters is back with his demented holiday show that puts the gag in gagster, the hole in holiday, and the stuffer in your stocking. He not only loves Santa, he eats him raw and regurgitates him back up piping hot to eager-beaver filth-tartar lovers everywhere. 

Yep, Waters’ fast moving, all-new stand-up comedy show is here again for another year of holiday jeer, coming down your chimney without a Dude Wipe, ready to gobble up your Christmas cookies. It’s a whole new world out there and you know what you have to do! Teabag the reindeer! Knock over the tree! Leave a holiday payday for your whole family to see. 

It’s A John Waters Christmas - resist, resist, resist, with a joyous limp wrist.

John Waters 2025 Tour Dates:
11/30 – San Francisco, CA @ Great American Music Hall (sold out)
12/01 – Portland, OR @ Aladdin Theater
12/02 – Seattle, WA @ Neptune Theatre
12/03 – Vancouver, BC @ Rio Theatre
12/04 – Vancouver, BC @ Rio Theatre
12/05 – Palm Springs, CA @ Plaza Theatre
12/06 – North Hollywood, CA @ El Portal
12/07 – North Hollywood, CA @ El Portal
12/08 – San Diego, CA @ Lou Lou’s
12/09 – San Diego, CA @ Lou Lou’s
12/13 – Boston, MA @ Berklee Performance Center
12/14 – Boulder, CO @ Boulder Theater
12/15 – Madison, WI @ Atwood Music Hall
12/16 – Chicago, IL @ Avondale Music Hall
12/17 – Atlanta, GA @ Variety Playhouse
12/20 – Alexandria, VA @ The Birchmere
12/21 – New York, NY @ City Winery
12/22 – New York, NY @ City Winery
12/23 – Baltimore, MD @ SoundStage

Tickets: https://johnwaterstour.com/