What Four Movie Heroines Taught Gay Fans About Self-Defense

Reading the news lately, you might think San Francisco is forgetting itself. In a city renowned for its general acceptance (or at least, tolerance) of queer people, hostility is taking over. No, I don’t mean the SF Giants Pride Night debacle. An atmosphere of homophobia already existed, more volatile than in years past, and it seems to be getting worse. A man responsible for a series of homophobic assaults at SF General Hospital was only recently brought to justice. The same hospital was the site of a tragedy in December wherein a healthcare worker was murdered in the country’s first HIV/AIDS clinic. Last month, a man attacked an empathetic neighbor who caught him vandalizing a Castro business with hate speech. 

Homophobia is spreading, in San Francisco of all places. Although gay people comprise a significant part of the city’s population, it appears bigots here are feeling increasingly emboldened. Pride month is nearing its finale amid an openly hostile attitude towards gay and queer existence. Is it scary? Sure. But I spent the first half of my existence in fear and confusion. I'm well past 'Why is this happening' and deep into 'Let’s break some kneecaps' territory. Violence is not the answer, it’s the call—what will do if and when it dials your number? 

Fear not, queen. Chances are you already have what it takes to kick ass. These movie icons have blessed us moves that actually work. Meet the four divas of self-defense.

Uma Thurman and Daryl Hannah trained exhaustively for their roles as Beatrix “the Bride” Kiddo/ Black Mamba and Elle Driver/California Mountain Snake, respectively. So how are we laypeople supposed to copy two characters who are expert martial artists? Good news—you don’t have to! Of all those physics-bending stunts Thurman and Hannah perform, their simpler moves demonstrate the basics of effective self-defense. 

Let’s examine the epic showdown between the Bride and Elle Driver at Budd’s trailer. Notice how both fighters strike when their opponent is distracted or hyper-focused? For instance, when they struggle for the Bride’s katana, she sees Elle is focused on winning control—too focused. It’s an ideal setup for the surprise crotch shot the Bride delivers with a knee. That dominance she wins over Elle nearly allows her to cut her throat. Then distraction prevails yet again, favoring Elle, but only for so long. 

This fight can dance on the razor’s edge because the scene demonstrates all four fundamentals of self-defense (at least as I remember them): Distract, Detach, Destroy, Depart. Distractions are opportunistic, fleeting, situationally dependent, and so often a gamechanger. Look how a simple shin kick distracts the Bride long enough for Elle to head-butt her and regain some ground. Look how soon she loses it once the Bride gets her in a chokehold. Elle must think fast to detach that firm grasp, which she does by returning that swift crotch shot from earlier. Ultimately, the Bride destroys her in brutal, blinding fashion, successfully incapacitating her so she can safely depart. 

The women of Kill Bill embody the philosophy of self-defense, that the fight in you matters most. The next entries pack some hand-to-hand combat you can take with you to the streets. 

When J-Lo goes Tae-Bo on Billy Campbell’s ass in 2002’s Enough, it isn’t just cathartic. It’s a nice, positive ending to a story whose real-life counterparts rarely get the same uplifting finale. Abuse, whether you’re its victim or helpless witness, is a universal experience, and for gay people, easily translated. The beatings that Slim (Lopez) endures (then returns in earnest) are a microcosm of the relationship between toxic masculinity and its subject.

Anyone can become its subject: men, women, elders, children, queer, straight, you name it. Once his subject ceases to admire him, the violence that follows is intended to restore a sense of reverence. It doesn’t matter if you actually admire him; your fear and silence are all the same. Punishment for unruliness is severe injury up to and absolutely including death. You have but one chance to survive: escape, if you can. J-Lo’s character escapes, and gets even—but she also gets incredibly lucky, something only Hollywood can dream up. 

I remember the part where Slim defeats her husband’s efforts to strangle her. I saw it on VHS at a friend’s house. Her husband Mitch (Campbell) was crushing her windpipe. As she approached the edge of consciousness, I watched Slim bring her elbow up and over his wrists, yank it down, and pry his hands loose. That scene burrowed into my brain, and resurfaced years later when a man tried strangling me the same way. 

That man went to jail and I’m still alive. Trust me—it works. Innocent physics, a fulcrum and some leverage in just the right spot. This is how I “broke up” with my first boyfriend. Thanks, J-Lo… I’ll see you ‘round the block.

Before Drag Race, The Devil Wears Prada, America’s Next Top Model, we had Miss Congeniality. It isn’t perfect, with enough sexism and transphobia to remind you you’re firmly in the early 2000s (and all you need is a light jacket!). But it gave us Michael Caine as fairy godmother to Bullock’s abrasive, decidedly un-feminine character, Agent Hart. 

Agent Hart is trained extensively in self defense, as demonstrated in the movie’s opening scene. It comes up later when she has to, you guessed it: S.I.N.G! This scene proves that now and then, your backup option is the better choice. Miss Congeniality stars Sandra Bullock as Agent Gracie Hart as pageant contestant Gracie Lou Freebush. In an effort to thwart a terrorist plot, the agent must pose as a convincing candidate for Miss United States. For the talent portion, she planned to play a glass harp, but her competitors mistook her setup for refreshments. Out of ideas, Hart falls back on another talent, her ability to kick some serious ass. 

For those of you watching at home, feel free to follow along!

Now a warning for all the gaybashers. Eventually one of you’s gonna test the wrong faggot. I did not claw my way out of violence and abuse in Missouri just to face the same in California. Like it or not, San Francisco and faggotry go hand-in-hand—and that’s how things are going to stay.

Elements of S.I.N.G. and other self-defense techniques can be found below! Stay safe, stay proud, stay alive.

I didn’t get a chance to bust out S.I.N.G. on the last guy to attack me because that guy had a gun. In that case, comply until you can feasibly escape. That’s why I’m not typing this from the Great Beyond. The fifth D could be Distance, as in, Put plenty of Distance between yourself and the lunatic with a gun.