What If the 'Girls' Lived in San Francisco?

When the titular girls of HBO’s Girls announced they’re filming a limited 5-episode run, my cranky Millennial heart leapt. Lena Dunham’s magnum opus is getting an epilogue! Production starts in 2027, ten years after Season 6’s controversial finale. All four stars will reprise their unforgettable roles to chronicle the landmark of turning 40. I personally hope this is Home Box Office’s formal apology for And Just Like That… 

Allison Williams returns as prickly perfectionist who can never tell when someone’s high, Marnie Michaels; Zosia Mamet as self-aware cruel drunk and non-attached bleeder Shoshanna Shapiro; Jemima Kirke as posh-punk rehab guru and ex-boyfriend thief Jessa Johansson; and of course, Lena Dunham as Hannah Horvath, lovable narcissist, unwed mother, and a voice of a generation. The revival also welcomes back Andrew Rannells as bescarved homosexual and Girls-girl Elijah Krantz. 

The revival will no doubt find the cast reunited in New York City. But I couldn’t help but wonder: What if the girls were living in San Francisco? Where would they live? What would they do? In this Girls fan-fic, the cast reassembles in the City By The Bay.

Shosh doesn’t work in A.I, but her arrestingly handsome, wealthy husband Yoshi does. Yes, Yoshi: her former boss from her stint in Tokyo, played by Hiro Mizushima. They own a condo on Russian Hill overlooking North Beach. They’re the model SF hetero couple: dual-income-no-kids, obsessed with 401k’s, “fur babies,” and Trader Joes. Of all the girls, Shosh has the best marriage because she and Yoshi support each other. He knows she can’t stand the industry and is totally indifferent to the tech, but plays the A.I. socialite out of love. Similarly, she knows he can’t stand the girls and is totally indifferent about their lives yet, welcomes them into their home anyway. It just works. 

Jessa was reluctant about San Francisco, but her flimsy ethics and substance abuse problems make her feel right at home. She could live anywhere but chooses the Tenderloin because of its resemblance to New York City. Jessa considers SF inferior, but “at least the cocaine here won’t have me shitting my pants like in New York.” Through her cousin Shoshanna, she infiltrates San Francisco’s cultish right-wing tech scene. Jessa didn’t care about A.I. until she met Sam Altman and pitched a virtual rehab assistant to him. Now she coasts off her royalties, always bitching about the city despite never making plans to leave. With Adam (Adam Driver) out of the picture, she and Hannah are on better terms. 

Marnie came to San Francisco after her A.I. creation killed six people in Seattle, yet insists she is here on Hannah’s behalf. She and her niece live in an ominous chrome-and-onyx cube that in the Richmond District, sticks out like a sore data center. Marnie jogs through the fog every morning and swears by its meditative effects. When Shoshanna finally joins her however, Marnie wastes the entire run berating her development team via Bluetooth. Shosh rolls her eyes and eventually splits. Meanwhile, Marnie’s album of a’cappella rap covers has been flagged for A.I., tanking the relaunch of her music career. It may seem like her life is marginally worse here. But anytime she feels like a failure, Hannah reminds her what a devoted godmother she’s been to her son Grover. 

When we last see Hannah, she’s living in upstate New York, raising her son Grover with Marnie. It is not a warm, feel-good finale. Hannah’s mom, Loreen Horvath (Becky Ann Baker), is exhausted from divorcing her now-gay husband, Tad Horvath (Peter Scolari). Jessa has burned her bridges with everyone. Shosh, the youngest Girl, cut ties with Hannah, Marnie, and Jessa. Elijah stayed in the city to pursue his acting career. The group breaks up, character arcs land, and six seasons of brilliant writing draw to a close. 

It appears the conclusion of HBO’s Girls is firm in its finality. But with nowhere to go in particular, you’re free to be anywhere. 

In my fan-fic/listicle, Hannah rents part of a pre-1906 Victorian in Noe Valley, intent on outliving the owner downstairs. She and Grover followed Tad to San Francisco in early 2018. He lives six blocks away in the Castro with his partner. Loreen moved to the Villages in Florida, refusing to “dry up.” Hannah still wrinkles her nose at the smell of weed, remembering how dependent on it her mother became. Meanwhile, she's having a hard time breaking into the mama-baby-stroller community of Noe Valley. She keeps making inappropriate comments around the other moms and getting frozen out of Facebook groups. 

Elijah swears he and his husband are here until he convinces him to move to LA. San Francisco’s too pricey to justify so few acting opportunities. Movies are filmed here, not cast! Still, he makes the best of a bicoastal situation, spending more time in New York during theater season. When in San Francisco, Elijah enjoys taking nudes at Marshall’s Beach and being a prominent fixture at Dolores Park’s Fruit Shelf. You can spot his lavish setup from downhill: umbrellas, lounge chairs, bumping music. Coolers filled with fruits, wine and cheese on ice. Then, when the fog descends, Elijah and his gays pack up and retreat to a glass-walled condo overlooking Market Street. Much like in New York, he nurtures his friendships with the Girls between slutting around—and we love that for him.