Which gay "dating" app should I use?

“Are you on the apps?”

The gay “dating” (read: hookup) apps are a touchy subject among queer men. Although many have tried (Grindr), no app encompasses every aspect of gay sexuality and desire. Some apps today cater to body type (Scruff, Growlr) while others take a practice-based approach (Recon, Sniffies). Choosing the app for you means articulating your taste and embracing your kinks/fetishes. It’s no place to be shy. 

Five apps, five reviews. More gay “dating” apps and sites exist (Jack’d, BBRT, etc.), but I'm focusing on ones I've used. This article comes from my experiences as a 5’9” 175-lb. white-passing Gay Millennial in San Francisco. Yours may vary. Happy hunting!

Years ago, a fellow fag told me I wasn’t kinky, just slutty. And my rejection-sensitive ass took his comment personally. How are exhibitionism and anonymous sex—tenets of the sex party where he and I met—not kinky? I felt hurt, like when a born-and-raised San Franciscan says I’ll never be a true San Franciscan like them. But unlike that douchebag, my fellow fag was very right. I didn’t know just how right he was until I tried using Recon.

Recon is for queers that need or do something a little different to get off. It’s a practice-forward app because it is kink and fetish-centered, not simply for casual sex. If you didn’t know the difference between kink and fetish, you probably don’t need this app. A kink is any consensual practice that elevates and enhances sex. If having sex while handcuffed or otherwise restrained turns you on, congratulations! You may have a bondage kink. If you can’t cum unless you’re tied up however, you have a bondage fetish. 

Recon is the most downloaded of the kink-forward apps, and it’s open to people of all genders and sexualities. It is highly specific, generous with options that quickly find you the right person to piss on your face. I’m not into piss play or being tied up, and I like leather but not to the point of huffing it. In short, I am not kinky enough for this app.

But maybe you are!

I admit, I signed up looking for daddies. And while they’re pretty easy to find, that’s not Growlr’s main demographic. Like their logo suggests, Growlr is for bears, cubs, otters and their many admirers. That didn’t deflate my spirit though. I find attractive men in all sizes. I once clocked in at 255 pounds. I’m still a little doughy for most twinks and muscle dads. Unfortunately, my body’s not stocky enough for Growlr. Not once when I was bigger did I think I’d one day be too slim for someone’s taste. On Growlr, it seems you either go big or stay home. 

Sorry not sorry, but I have nothing but terrible things to say about Grindr. While I’ve known many a gay to tout their successes on the app, all I met was frustration and dead ends. Grindr, launched in 2009 (when I was still using OkCupid—barf), was the first app of its kind. But don’t be fooled by its memeable interface or cultural longevity. Grindr is my least favorite app out there for plenty of reasons.

If you haven’t been outright shamed for your body: buckle up, princess. Grindr is where No Fats, No Femmes originated, where “Hung?” replaced hello, and racism passes as “just a preference.” “Grindr” evokes the sexual feel of dancing too close at the club. But having used the app, it feels more akin to an actual meat grinder. This is where your vulnerability and hope of finding genuine if fleeting connection gets ground up and spit back out. What you get is a hot garbage pile of an app that restricts your radius and accosts you with ads. 

If you want hurtful comments or silence from your whole city versus just your block, you have to pay. Are you trying to preview the guys in the state you’re traveling to? Sorry, you have to pay. Do you want to click on that profile because you think that guy’s really hot? Tough, so does everybody else. Grindr noticed and moved him behind a paywall. Downloading this app will cost you either precious income or memory on your phone: in either case, not worth it. 

Scruff, as you might imagine, was initially conceived for hairy (scruffy), “masculine” gays. While that remains true, the French-American app has since grown to accommodate a variety of queer bodies and identities. I’ve met a handful of men off this app and enjoyed good times with them. Sure, the same prejudices you’ll find on Grindr exist here. I won’t pretend they don’t. But in my experience, it’s not as common. Plenty of guys are here for hookups, but a fair share are also looking to start a relationship. Perhaps this duality bred a milder atmosphere with less emphasis on competition and more on connection. 

Like Recon, Scruff’s free version feels generous with no message caps as well as a reasonable search radius. It does pinch off your chat history after awhile, and keeps a frustrating fraction of shared private albums private nonetheless. It’s annoying, but I can almost respect Scruff’s gay business acumen for tucking some goods behind a paywall. Except for the guy with a My Little Pony doll collection, the men I’ve met through Scruff are mostly normal. It’s popular among traveling gays, which facilitates friendships with people in faraway cities. Scruff appears to have put the most thought into their app, and its international user base reflects that. 

This wouldn’t be a proper article about the apps without mentioning the new slut on the block. Welcome to the wild side. This one isn’t for the faint of heart, and it’s not for people looking for love. Sniffies exists for one purpose.

In 2018, Sniffies rocked the gay app community with its web-based map that famously required no download. Instead of swiping profiles, it’s a live map of your surroundings, with profiles anchored to a user’s approximate locations. It tags popular cruising areas IRL and lets members facilitate meet-ups that people may request to attend. Sniffies doesn’t require registration (hello, DL men), and some features are only accessible with a profile, but signing up is free. Your profile can remain private if you wish, but the point of Sniffies is aggressively clear: gay sex now.

Compared to other apps, Sniffies goes hard. You build a profile with established interests and kinks, personally written descriptions, explicit photos, stats, what and who you’re looking for. This app is packed with meat and ass. You don’t cruise Sniffies at work. That said, Sniffies still has boundaries. Drug abuse is an issue in the gay community and apps like this help enable and perpetuate it. Consequently the site prohibits certain terms in your profile. Privacy-wise, the site doesn’t ask for your name or address. It asks if you’re sure before you share contact info with others. Sniffies isn’t perfect, but no app is: there’s only the perfect app for you.