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Which Famous A**holes Are Going To Burning Man 2017?

Who are the rich and famous a**holes you’ll see turnt up at the turnkey camps of Burning Man 2017?  Based on their public comments, social media posts and history of going to Burning Man every year because they can afford to, we’ve determined which famous assholes will ride in private jets to plug-and-play at the Burning Man 2017 festival.

Realize there is no way to say definitively whether a person is going to Burning Man more than three weeks out from the event. Health issues, sudden weddings, or unplanned life events can come at you fast and alter your calendar no matter who you are. Perfectly good Burners cancel their Burning Man plans every year, and this is even truer for wealthy asshole Burners. But from what can we can tell from public remarks and social media shit-talking, these are the richest, most famous assholes likely to be at Burning Man 2017.

 

Image: @yummicoco

PARIS HILTON –  MAYBE GOING

Oblivious caucasian asshole heiress Paris Hilton attended Burning Man  in 2015 and in 2016,  so she does qualify as a Burner. Ms. Hilton has not yet posted on social media any indications  that she is attending this year, though in previous years her asshole ‘Oh, look at me, I’m at Burning Man’ posts did not come until the event was already underway. Her terribly designed new website does not have a tour or public appearances section.

Image: Spotify

DIPLO  – PROBABLY GOING

Asshole white rapper Diplo was reportedly booed off the Robot Heart stage in 2014, yet saw fit to return in 2016, and his tour schedule has him in Nevada the week of Burning Man 2017. So it is in all likelihood that this asshole will be at Burning Man.

Image: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/7SCy_4P-Tp/

KATY PERRY – MAYBE GOING

Girl-kissing firework Katy Perry attended both in 2015 and 2016. as evidenced by the above Instagram on which she mishandles a Segway scooter. Ms. Perry has not announced plans to attend this year (nor did she announce her plans last year), but she currently has no conflicting tour dates scheduled.

GROVER NORQUIST – MAYBE GOING

FOX News senior asshole correspondent Grover Norquist has made a big deal of his Burning Man attendance in years past, and he does get to schmooze with Larry Harvey when he goes. His Twitter has been curiously silent on the topic this year (he’s usually announced his trip by now, but maybe he’s been too busy this summer at the Aspen Ideas Festival (which should be called the Asshole Ideas Festival)

Image: Red Bull

SKRILLEX – MAYBE GOING

Corporate dubstep asshole Skrillex was also involved in the alleged 2014 ‘booed offstage’ incident. We know Skrillex was at Burning Man last year, and his tour schedule currently shows no conflicts.

Image: Instagram

PUFF DADDY – DEFINITELY NOT GOING

What’s this asshole calling himself these days? Not sure. But pop star and purveyor of fine apparel for the asshole demographic Puff Daddy is occupied with the Bad Boy Family Reunion tour, despite attending Burning Man 2015 and proudly commodifying Burning Man in a Fiat commercial in years past.

ME – DEFINITELY GOING

I’m that asshole who calls other people assholes even though I’m doing the exact same thing as those assholes. Hell, I’ve even got two of the above-named assholes are on my iPod right now! These famous assholes, admittedly, are some of the most creative and motivated people in contemporary arts and culture. They don’t have time to build their own cupcake muffin cars because they’re busy and they generally have more important things to do. But I will squat alongside them on federally managed lands for a week and have Star Wars-themed raves together, and in a way that’s kind of a beautiful thing.

But it will probably be a more beautiful thing for you if you can avoid me and these assholes at Burning Man 2017.

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.

  • Terbo Ted Terbolizard

    see you there man

  • SaysFuckalot

    Fuck your burn!