Comedy

Trump’s New Plan To Send Back The Irish

By Kelly O’Grady

Amongst his platform for his 2020 reelection is President Trump’s plan to have all the Irish of American ancestry or otherwise rounded up and sent back to “Their tiny sad island, where I’m told they have golf courses that are of course not as nice as my golf course in Scotland.” the President tweeted from his bathroom.

“The only thing the Irish have contributed to this great land of ours is green beer and very, very filthy Limericks.” The president continued. “I’ve known quite a number of upstanding Americans from Nantucket and the things these potato-people say about them is criminal.”

The president has pledged to reinstate the practice of N.I.N.A or (No Irish Need Apply)

“Many times I’ve taken a stroll down the streets of my beloved city of New York and have seen an Irishman perched on a barrel, probably sleeping off a mid morning drunk.”

When asked if he was in fact confusing reality with an old Victorian era political cartoon depicting an Irish person he replied.

“No, no no. I saw one of these spud-chuckers drunk on a barrel, with their little pipes and bowler hats they like to wear so much.”

“From what I’ve been told the Irish barely count as white and it takes two Irish people to make one normal white person. They come over here and refuse to not speak with brogues, dancing on tables and taking our women.”

Then the president ranted about the first Irish to be rounded up for deportation would be Alec Baldwin and the rest of the Baldwin clan.

“The Irish only like to do two things” The President continued. “They like to drink and then they like to “You know what.”

A member of the press inquired what he meant by “You know what” to which the President responded by making a circle with one hand and then inserting a finger into the circle with a vigorous back and forth motion.

“Like rabbits, those people.” he commented.

At this point a member of the press inquired if he was planning on deporting people recently immigrated from Ireland or every citizen with Irish heritage to which President Trump responded “Hey, potato, potato.”

At a press conference it was pointed out the contributions that the Irish had made to culture in the United states which was abruptly cut off by the President.

“Look, nobody wants to wear those scratchy wool sweaters and ‘The Boondock Saints’ is a mediocre film at best and the sequel ‘Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day’ was quite disappointing. Sad.”

When asked how he planned to have every Irish person rounded up and deported the president went on to explain.

“Well first I’m going to have them build the wall, I’ve been told the Irish know their way around a shovel, after all they built the railroads. But I’ve heard that you should never let them paint your house because they will steal your ladder. These are very bad hombres.”

It was explained that it wasn’t just the Irish that built the railroads but in fact a group of many other immigrants to which the President replied “Fake news”. After that the President muttered something under his breath about the Irish being in “cahoots” with the Mexicans.

It remains unclear if President Trump will follow through with his plans but the way everything else is going who knows.

This is a developing story.


Fine Print:  This story is satire.

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