ComedySex and Dating

Totally Reasonable Excuses to Make for Men Who Leave You on “Read”

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by Laurie Riihimaki

Alright, let’s get real for a sec. There are a few reasons why we make up excuses for men when they ignore our texts. Firstly, we never want to admit that our dream-fuck is ignoring our texts. Like, even if we know our worth, have our shit totally together, we still get butt-hurt over our double and triple texts being unanswered by a guy who has nothing more to offer than a cute set of ass cheeks and a winning smile. 

The first rule of dating this guy is don’t ask him what his favorite movie is. Yes of course it’s “Fight Club.”

Secondly, men are often creatures of little words. They tend to be a simple-minded species who think about blowjobs, love scratching their balls in inappropriate places, and who constantly question the five-second rule when they drop food on the floor. Not to mention, they always have this mysterious lint protruding from their belly buttons even when you know for certain you always clean the lint tray when doing their laundry. So if they can’t find the reason for not texting us back, we naturally pick up the slack and articulate it for them! That’s our job as women. 

Don’t worry baby, if you’re a bad communicator, I’ll just communicate enough for both of us!

And, thirdly, we give men excuses because who wants to look like an idiot in front of all their girlfriends? Even though we ALL do it, we don’t want anybody to know about it. It just wouldn’t be right. It’s definitely part of Girl Code or something. 

So, if you are looking for a creative new reasons to why your boy-toy isn’t texting your sweet ass back when your girlfriends are around, here are some prime excuses that will come in handy..

He Upgraded His Phone

Uh-oh! Jacob upgraded his phone for the fourth time this week and lost ALL of his contacts! Dumb-dumb Jacob, he is too busy to ask “Sorry, lost my contacts, who’s this?” He’s probably just waiting until he sees you in person to get your number again. Because, really, who trusts a text?

Also, a phone upgrade takes a super long time. So, maybe, he didn’t lose all his contacts, but he is simply waiting for his phone to restart. That could take up to an hour!

If it’s been over an hour, you can always say he is having trouble navigating the new features on his phone because he’s not a “tech guy” he’s more into camping, wrestling bears, and drinking beer out of a cowboy boot. He’s not inconsiderate… he’s appealingly masculine!

He’s FaceTiming His Grandparents

Your man is just TOO sweet and he takes the time to FaceTime his grandparents every day. Actually, the only time he’s NOT FaceTiming his grandparents is when he texts you at 2AM with “U up?”

You’ll have to explain to your girlfriends that even though you get limited time with this midnight-humper, you appreciate every single minute. And to be completely honest, you’d much rather have a sweet caring guy who’s close to his family than one that chooses you every time. That’s just the kind of girl you are! *hair flip*

He’s Busy

Ok, so this classic “He’s Busy” excuse never goes out of style. I mean, really, this excuse could mean anything and you could even expand on it. Here are some A-game examples:

  • He’s busy washing his socks
  • He’s busy learning French
  • He’s busy practicing origami
  • He’s busy writing a sonnet
  • He’s busy saving all of the bumble bees
  • He’s busy tutoring sick kids
  • He’s busy spinning plates
  • He’s busy planning his future
  • He’s busy auditioning for the Blue Man Group
  • He’s busy cutting a rug (literally or figuratively – you decide!)

And though, all of these excuses are great, as intelligent women we all know that he is probably busy playing video games with one Cheeto-stained hand down the front of his boxers… but we’re too self-respecting to admit it!

His Dog Is Sick

We all want our friends to think that our partner is a total animal lover – just like you! So, saying that he can’t respond to your texts because his dog is sick makes him seem super sensitive and like, the catch of the century. 

If your man doesn’t have a dog, make sure you get him one before the next time your girls see him. Seriously, hit up your local shelter and adopt the most homely-cute looking dog there is. Bonus points if it’s already sick. That way, your friends will comment on how your lover really gave this ugly dog a chance at life.

His Fingers Broke 

Accidents happen, and maybe, JUST maybe, your boyfriend fell down the stairs and broke all of his fingers. Or, simultaneously smashed them all in a car door. Yo, it happens! And, your friends better believe it. They’d better.

For proof, be sure to download a high-res photo onto your phone of a hand with splints on each finger. You’ll have to say his mom sent it to you, obviously, since your man broke all his fingers and wouldn’t be able to send it. 

He Just Had A Near-Death Experience

For the real serious situations, like when your guy hasn’t texted you back in over three days, you’re more than justified to tell your friends that your BF has had a near-death experience. This may sound like lying, but it’s really just protecting your future relationship, so that your friends can’t talk shit about that time when your BF was an asshole and didn’t reply to your sexy selfie! 

But, if you’re going to make this lie work, you have to go all out. I’m talking taking your friends shopping for hospital gifts for your partner, making cute DIY cards, “calling” his family to check-in with them because he’s still unconscious from the devastating plane crash he was in that destroyed five homes, killed 23 people, and set the record for highest flames. And, the crazy part is, he wasn’t even traveling! He wasn’t even ON the plane, he was simply taking a walk in the woods and was hit by a flaming piece of metal! Can you believe that? PLEASE BELIEVE THAT!!

Your friends will feel awful for the stress it put on you and the condition your BF is in. Everyone could use a little extra sympathy now and again though, so don’t feel guilty. Think of it as conveniently arranged self-care. 

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