ComedyDepressionSelf Care

5 Awesome Subscription Boxes that Will Never Fill The Void in Your Life

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by Laurie Riihimaki

Have you contemplated suicide in the last few months? You know, just saying “hasta la vista, baby” to your pet turtle who couldn’t give two shits about you?

“I won’t miss you. I am incapable of love.”

If you haven’t thought about this heightened scenario, then you’re probably not a Millennial. But, if you are, then you’ve definitely felt like you’re sinking into a deep mud of depression that won’t come off even with the most attentive loofah. 

And, though this void can never be filled and we will continue to live as “Sad-Sallys” for the rest of our days, we can find some comfort in these #hot and #trending subscription boxes that will mask the feeling of emptiness! At least until you remember that your turtle STILL does not give a shit about you. 

Winc

When you have the blues, what’s better than picking up a bottle of Sauv-Blanc and taking it to the face? Ah, the answer is picking up a DOUBLE bottle!

With the Winc subscription box, quality wine will be delivered to your door every month. Plans start with serving you a measly three bottles of wine per month. So, if you’re really sad, you might want to be prepared to dish out a little more dough for a little more drink. 

Winc is also super convenient because you can successfully hide your alcoholism in the comfort of your own home! No more being a regular at the liquor store or running into a co-worker at the market with five bottles of wine under your arm because you forgot to get a cart when you came into the store and now it’s too damn far away and you want to make it home in time for Jeopardy. Obviously. 

Basically, Winc takes the pressure off of your trips to the store. All you have to do is grab the cheese and the wine is waiting for you on your doorstep.  

FabFitFun Box 

Even if you are not “fab” or “fit” or “fun” the FabFitFun Box will help you pretend so that you can attempt to fill the empty days of your waking life! 

The box offers lots of “goodies” from categories such as fitness, home, beauty, and “everything in between,” as they put it on their website. So, really you’re signing up for a box that deducts straight from your bank account every month, and you have no idea what the hell is even going to be in it. You could get a bird clock, boxing gloves, or a tube of lipstick, like who the fuck knows?

So, if mystery is your idea of fun, get ready to rock a pair of too tight spandex workout leggings while using your new fish-shaped cutting board all while listening to an Anne Murray Christmas album that made a special appearance in the July box. 

Jerky Snob

If you say eating jerky doesn’t make you feel a million times better about your life, then you’re lying. Everyone loves jerky! 

The subscription box Jerky Snob is perfect for the person who is sad and who also has an unhealthy relationship with food. More food equals more happy!

However, the good thing with this jerky subscription service being “snobby” is that it’s actually healthy and quality, which means you can eat twice as much and not feel bad when you’re looking at the rolls protruding over the top of your pants. That is quality beef hanging over your loafers, that’s what that is!

Wild Crystals Box

 

The Wild Crystals Box is great for someone who is willing to dole out their hard-earned cash for a box of rocks. 

If you sign up for their monthly subscription, you can get 2-3 rocks per month. That is 3, but maybe only 2, ROCKS, sent to your door, for $16.00. This is the equivalent to Santa putting a lump of coal in your stocking. Seriously, what are you going to do with rocks, what are you going to do with coal?

To be an adult and save money, what you could do is go outside and find your own damn rocks to snuggle, lick, place in decorative bowls, or whatever. Then, with that money you save, you can invest it in something worthwhile, like a car or a nice suit, or something that might actually help you get laid and find true love and purpose.

However, if you believe in the power of “the crystal” and you’re hoping for some miracle cure for your ugliness, loneliness, worthlessness, etc. then maybe this subscription is right for you. 

Mystery Pleasure Box 

Mystery Pleasure Box offers a fun way to explore your sexuality, which can be a huge factor in filling that empty void in your life. One of the perks of this box is that it can be designed for women, men, or couples. And, it can also be tailored to your sexual orientation. 

But, what you get is not up to you. And, that seems like a problem. People have their weird “things” and that’s fine. However, not everyone would be happy to see a 12-inch pigtail buttplug or a blowup Danny Devito sex doll in their monthly subscription. These are kind of  like “love ‘em” or “hate ‘em” items. 

And, this is a monthly subscription, which is kind of bizarre. Like, how many vibrators do you need, Deborah? If you have over three and you’re still not satisfied, chances are you’re not doing it right and you need to reevaluate. 

However, the good thing with this box is that they are discreet when it comes to packaging. So, if you are tempted to try out a freaky new toy from your Mystery Pleasure Box, your neighbors won’t know that that’s the reason you’re screaming wildly. Hopefully, they won’t call the cops. Getting interrogated by the police with a Big Bird mask on and a set of anal beads in is not a fun time. 

I assume.

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