What’s the Line of Succession if COVID-19 Gets Trump and Pence?

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Update 10/2/2020: Given that Donald Trump has now tested positive for COVID we figured this was worth sharing. The perspective is from early in the pandemic but the succession obviously hasn’t changed, and there’s some really funny lines in here.

Recently, Trump and Pence were exposed to, and shook hands with, someone infected with COVID-19. Initially the two refused to take tests to see if they were in need to be quarantined. That response filled me with hope. What if they contracted the virus, and then died due to their own incompetence? THAT would almost be justice. Much to my dismay, Trump was cleared of the virus Saturday evening.

Although, as it stands, we are 18 months away from a vaccination, and Trump doesn’t seem like the type of man that would willingly wash his hands.

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So, it is still entirely possible for them both to contract the virus; and seeing how they are both old men over 70, they’re in the best position to die from it. Many of you may say, “But we skipped 7th grade Civics class to do whippets behind the bleachers with the cool Janitor. Who the fuck would be president after that?” 

He always had the best stories about ditches.

Since the average American can’t tell you how many branches of the government there are, I’ve decided to outline exactly who’s in succession, and what their 8 month term might be like.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi

Worth Mentioning:

– First woman to ever be Speaker.

– Highest elected position ever to be held by a woman, and she has held it twice.

– In the dictionary under “White Woman Feminism”.

– Once ate an entire bucket of worms while staring George W. Bush in the eyes. 

First in line after the Vice President is Speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi, or as Fox News would call her “Mean and Rambling.” Nancy Pelosi is a career Democrat first getting elected for congress in 1987 out of her home district in San Francisco. She’s been a tour-de-force of neoliberalism since the Bush administration in which Nancy challenged the then President on numerous occasions. She headed up the creation of ACA, and worked to repeal the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell bill. She’s every Clinton Era Dem’s favorite.

Life under her administration would be strange, surely. With the coronavirus pandemic, resources would be allocated on a needs basis that I assume would have issues. After that, I would imagine she’d spend most of her tenure trying to reverse what Don-lad [sic] has done. If that were to happen relatively soon, what would that mean for the Democratic Primary? I honestly don’t see the Speaker giving up the position of President, and possibly running despite how the primaries turn out. First woman president, then first woman elect? C’mon, like anyone would give that up. She’d also receive support from her establishment Dems, having been the voice of consistency and reason in the party for nearly two decades. The effect on the nation? Probably the same as the Obama administration. We’d reconnect with the EU. Expand ACA a bit, especially in terms of crisis intervention. But the people who need help the most would once again be left on the wayside. 

Prediction: Partial term, and then two full terms

President Pro Temp Charles Grassley

this guy just looks like he masturbates to the Eddie Bauer catalogue

Worth Mentioning:

– Average white male conservative. 

– First elected Senator in 1980.

– Voted against making MLK’s birthday a national holiday.

– Once called Brett Kavanaugh “one of the most qualified Supreme Court nominees to come before the Senate”.

– He’s so gross I didn’t even make a joke on this list.

Pretty standard Regan Era conservative. Votes against women’s reproductive rights, votes for tax cuts for the rich. Honestly, researching his history made me so bored I got turned on from looking at a bottle just because it was something that wasn’t Charles Grassley. This guy’s white dude mediocrity is so palpable black vegans gag if you try to say his name out loud. His presidency would go, “Who? Huh, well, fuck. O.K.”, and then it would be over. 

Prediction: Develops impotence during first and only term

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo

There’s no way this guy hasn’t stolen candy from a baby

Worth Mentioning:

– Member of the Tea Party Movement.

– Nominated by Trump after firing Rex Tillerson.

– Started Nex-Tech Aerospace with large investment from Koch Industries.

– Once the president of a Koch Industries partner, Sentry International.

– Has strangled every single cat that has come within his field of vision.

If Charles Grassley is the dad you’re embarrassed of, then Mike Pompeo is the uncle you scream “Fuck you you fucking fuck,” to at every opportunity you get. This rat bastard was part of the Tea Party Movement, which for anyone old enough to remember, was a bunch of white middle aged dudes completely misunderstanding history, and then yelling about immigrants. They tried to counter the Occupy Wall Street movement. In his defense, he was head of the CIA, which probably has nothing to do with his ties to the Koch Brothers, or their ties to every single republican in Washington. Generally I think this would be just a continuation of Trump’s current administration, just without any of the kind of fun weird parts, and probably more of the extremely terrifying parts.

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Sonny Curtin

Sonny Curtin

Sonny Curtin is an absurdist, and not particularly tall. Their hair color changes frequently to avoid paternity suits.

Once Sonny watched a sea catch on fire. The reflections of the embers beamed off the Red Sea in the Saharan night, as they tried to remember a past long forgotten. They felt the heat from the flames as the wind swirled around them, thrusted up sand and seemed to reshape the dunes in front of their eyes. It was then that they knew. It was time to move on.