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This Service Will Deliver Screaming Clowns to Your Front Door

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Send these nightmares to your best friend or worst enemy

COVID has ruined everything this year, even San Francisco’s favorite holiday, Halloween. This time around there won’t be haunted houses, late night dance parties, or even trick-or-treating. Alas, this is a very sad year indeed.

Luckily hometown hero Peaches Christ and her band of merry misfits couldn’t stand a world without at least some Halloween mayhem so they’ve created Screaming Telegrams, a service where you can send scary clowns to a friend (or foe) with a COVID-safe message designed to make the recipient scream. How dreadfully delightful is that?

The past couple Halloweens, Peaches Christ has teamed up with David Flower Productions to put on the epic Terror Vault haunted house at the Old Mint in San Francisco. And since they couldn’t do that this year they got creative and decided to do Screaming Telegrams instead.

As the press release says:

Give your friend (or foe) a Halloween gift they won’t soon forget. Order a screaming telegram and have one of the terrifying Terror Vault clowns deliver a socially distant personalized message to your chosen victim. A scary Clown will arrive on-site to surprise the recipient with a song, some balloons, and a nightmare-inducing scream! Your victim must be at home between the hours of 5 and 7pm (on the selected date) and be over the age of 18. This service is limited to addresses within the city of San Francisco. Each delivery costs $50.

The sender also has the option to add-on special extras for a small upcharge and add-ons range from something sweet like cupcakes, to something more adult like a bottle of Halloween Hooch served in a wrinkled brown paper bag. The cocktail inside is actually a premium liquor concoction created by an in-house mixologist!

Just because Halloween will be different than previous years doesn’t mean it can’t still be awesome. Plus you’ll be helping Bay Area artists and weirdoes make money!

Learn more and order a Screaming Telegram right here.

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Stuart Schuffman, aka Broke-Ass Stuart, is a travel writer, poet, TV host, activist, and general shit-stirrer. His website is one of the most influential arts & culture sites in the San Francisco Bay Area and his freelance writing has been featured in Lonely Planet, Conde Nast Traveler, The Bold Italic, and too many other outlets to remember. His weekly column, Broke-Ass City, appears every other Thursday in the San Francisco Examiner. Stuart’s writing has been translated into four languages. In 2011 Stuart created and hosted the travel show Young, Broke, and Beautiful on IFC and in 2015 he ran for Mayor of San Francisco and got nearly 20k votes.

He's been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle, "an SF cult hero":SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York.