Eat & DrinkSex and Dating

Dude, Your Waitress Probably Isn’t Flirting With You

The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news

This is not directed towards you. Her lip is itchy and her hands are full.

It is in a waitress’s very job description to be nice to her customers no matter who that customer may be. Also in the job description is to take orders, serve food and beverages, and bus tables. During all of those tasks she is probably smiling and being as pleasant as possible in order to give her customers every reason to like her performance in the hope that she will be rewarded with a nice tip.

That does not mean she is into you. And if you’re with your wife or girlfriend, it especially means that.

Friendliness does not equal physical attraction and a lot of straight men need to hear this. If your waitress flips her hair and smiles at you, it doesn’t mean that she wants your phone number. It probably means that her hair is sticking to her sweaty forehead because she’s working a double and she’s smiling in order to conceal the pain that’s deep inside her soul. If her hand brushes against your hand when she takes the menu away from you, it doesn’t mean that she is longing to caress you and is daydreaming about more skin on skin contact. It’s more likely that it was an accident and all she is thinking about is the bottle of hand sanitizer she has in her apron that she can’t wait to use.

Big breasts doesn’t mean that your waitress wants you to ogle them. They mean that she has a human body with a pair of mammary glands (Okay, if you are dining at Hooters, Twin Peaks, or Tilted Skirt, she might want you to ogle them, but it still doesn’t mean that she’s into you). Men, stop assuming that because her breasts are at eye level, that she wants to date you. You are sitting down and she is standing up, so there is literally no other place for her breasts to be.

Okay, okay, there may be the rare occurrence when a waitress is totally flirting with you, but it won’t be when you are with your wife or girlfriend and your waitress will make sure you know if she wants you to flirt back. Don’t assume she wants your phone number written at the bottom of your credit card receipt and don’t speculate that she wants you to follow her to the side stand to chat her up. Just assume that she’s being nice to you because she likes her job and it has nothing to do with your chiseled jawline and your biceps bursting out of your shirtsleeves or your dad bod and sparkling personality.

And to the women who think your waitress is trying to steal your man: she doesn’t want your man and she would not risk a gratuity by flirting with him. You don’t need to take over the tipping situation and stiff her just because you feel like her eyes lingered on him for a millisecond longer than appropriate. If you think she was gazing at your date’s baby blues, there’s a good chance she was just looking through him rather than at him. Maybe it looks like she’s imagining what it would be like to kiss him, but she’s probably just trying to remember if she took that extra ketchup to Table 7 or not.

Yes guys, waitresses are usually friendly, kind, and flashing a smile. They do that because if they do anything other than that, customers aren’t going to want to tip them and that is why they are at work: to make money. They aren’t looking for a date or a relationship or a one-night stand.

This isn’t easy to hear, but your waitress just isn’t that into you.

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Oakland Gets a Shake Shack!

Next post

Trump Changes H-1B Visa Rules to Favor ‘Fashion Models’

Bitchy Waiter

Bitchy Waiter

Darron Cardosa is a writer, actor, singer, and waiter. He lives and and works in New York City and enjoys "The Brady Bunch," "The Facts of Life" and cocktails almost as much as he hates your baby.