What your BART Station says about you (PENINSULA/SOUTH BAY EDITION)
The Bay Area is a big place with a lot of cities, and every city in the Bay can be a little different. But one thing that is synonymous with the Bay Area experience, is BART. The Bay Area Rapid Transit, with its loud trains, lateness, general sketchiness and insanity is a rite of passage for anyone who has lived in the 9 counties that hug the shoreline of San Francisco Bay. But not every BART station is built the same. If someone gets on a train in Pittsburg, is the experience the same as someone who gets on the train in San Jose? The answer is a resounding ‘fuck no’, and that’s why I made this list. What your BART station says about YOU.
If Daly City is your station you probably grew up in a two parent household, but really want to say the N word. You’ve walked around Serramonte mall more times than you’ve lied about being from San Francisco, which every Daly City native knows is a number next to infinite. Any time it’s not foggy you probably start thinking about the ramifications of climate change until you fantasize how your life would’ve been different if your dad took that job in LA, but decided to stay in Daly City because he wanted to take care of his mother who lives in Redwood City or some other random ass Peninsula town that isn’t East Palo Alto because your parents went to college.
You secretly think every town in the East Bay is ghetto and perceive Fremont and Walnut Creek as hood even though you’ve never been there. Your area code is 650, but you went to SF to get your cellphone and humble brag about your 415 area code. You’re low key pissed that Marin County is included in the 415 when you’re not. Stay salty, Fogtown. I love you. Oh yeah, rice cookers. That joke that some dipshit will reiterate in the comment section. That shit has been around since the ‘80s. We’re proud of you and everyone thinks you’re hilarious. All jokes aside, Daly City is one of my favorite towns in the Bay.
If Colma is your station, you’re probably fucking dead. Just kidding, but seriously, there are more dead people from San Francisco in Colma than there are living people from San Francisco in Daly City. I don’t know if there’s anyone who lives here that’s alive, but if there are, they probably work in tech and are dead inside. So, ya know, it balances out.
South San Francisco:
If South San Francisco is your station then you probably refer to South San Francisco as “South City,” which is cute because it implies you’re the southern part of San Francisco when the city that you’re south of is Daly City. So there’s that. People from South City have a chip on their shoulder because no one really gives a fuck about South San Francisco. You’re just kind of there. You’re not as outwardly as corny and easy to make fun of as Daly City or Colma, nor are you fully in the Silicon Valley zeitgeist. You’re the Castro Valley of the Peninsula. Fully unremarkable. Also cool sign in the hills. City of industry or something.
If San Bruno is your station you’re probably in tech because this is the first city on the Peninsula that feels fully Silicon Valley-esque. Youtube is headquartered there and you’ve probably taken a picture in front of the Youtube sign and that put that picture in front of the Youtube sign on your Tinder and can’t understand why no one wants to touch your penis.
If SFO is your station you’re probably a techie or a tourist. Thank you for visiting. Never come back and while you’re at it, take our landlords with you.
If Millbrae is your station you’re probably annoyed at the fact you live so close to San Francisco, yet none of San Francisco’s spirit resides in Millbrae. Like this town is dead. Not literally dead like Colma, figuratively dead like the city itself lacks a heartbeat. This is boring strip mall American suburbia at its most pointless. If you want to do anything in Millbrae which should be called MillBAREN because the shit is so desolate, you can choose from loitering in front of Safeway, Trader Joes or the one of the seemingly endless auto body shops that populate El Camino Real. The best thing about Millbrae is that you can leave it easily since it has BART, is next to an airport and, like I said earlier, in the event your car breaks down, at least you can get it fixed. God Millbrae is fucking boring.
If Milpitas is your station, the first thing I want to say is congratulations, South Bay, you finally made it onto the BART Map. You just had the shitty luck of opening during the fucking pandemic, but hey, you’re from Milpitas, you know all about bad luck. If you had good luck you wouldn’t be from Mitpitas; a city that essentially functions as the weird taint area between Fremont’s balls and San Jose’s butthole.
Berryessa/North San Jose:
If Berryessa/North San Jose is your station, your probably hyped as fuck since San Jose is officially on the BART map. So next time someone is like “San Jose isn’t the Bay!” You can be like “if we’re not the Bay, why do we have a BART station, huh?” And you can feel good about yourself. Even though you’re a city of over a million people with only one Bart Station. I’d be mad as fuck. How the fuck does the largest city in the Bay only have one station. Why doesn’t anyone give a fuck about San Jose. I can’t even roast you guys. God has done enough. Y’all have a hockey team. In CALIFORNIA. Fuck.
Thanks for reading.