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What To Do If Your Employer Tells You To Come Back To The Office

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You may not realize this, but collectively, workers are strong as fuck. We’re the backbone of the entire economy. If the Covid-19 pandemic has proven anything, it’s that for the most part, offices are fucking pointless.  

If you have to work, you’re a worker. I don’t care if you jerk off to the Wall Street Journal or jostle your jimmies to Jacobin. Rich, but have a boss? You’re a worker. Poor? No caveat needed, you know you’re a worker.

The choice to make you commute some ungodly amount of time to whatever city center you’re near is a draconian economic choice. Cities want tax revenue. They want you to spend your money at their restaurants, their stores and they want your continued presence to create more interest among investors to generate more tax revenue, thus creating a cycle of civic dependence upon private enterprise that puts disproportionate burden on the backs of workers.

Refuse to go back to the office. 

And I mean ALL WORKERS. Blue collar, white collar – the color of your shirt is irrelevant. If you have to work, you’re a worker. I don’t care if you jerk off to the Wall Street Journal or jostle your jimmies to Jacobin. Rich, but have a boss? You’re a worker. Poor? No caveat needed, you know you’re a worker. This is a common struggle that unites 99.9% of us. It’s time we act like it. 

And here’s a way for our white collar office workers to act like it: Refuse. 

Refuse to go back to the office. 

We need need to weaponize our laziness to save the the fucking world. 

Remember Nancy Reagan? I don’t because I’m only 30, but you probably do. Remember the “just say no” slogan that was essentially the Republican Party’s ineffective approach to the crack epidemic in urban America. Well, say no. Tell your boss no. Call your coworkers. Be like, “hey Bob, you like doing spreadsheets butt naked, right?” And Bob is going to be like, “How did you know that?” And you’re going to be like, “I just know, Bob. I just know.” Then there’s going to be an awkward silence… But after that you explain to Bob that to preserve our quality of life after a miserable two years, we deserve to work from home. We deserve to have our uncovered balls or vaginas sit gracefully on the rough fabric of our swivel chairs that we reluctantly bought from Amazon because Bezos’ evil is only superseded by one thing: our laziness.

But now it’s time to weaponize our laziness and  collectively use it to better meet our needs. We need to weaponize our laziness to demand more of society. We need need to weaponize our laziness to save the the fucking world. 

Every scientist that isn’t funded by the Koch Brothers have pretty much agreed that we need less cars on the road. A great way of doing that is cutting down on commuters. There are too many net positives with the work from home movement. And we need to be talking to our coworkers about it. 

Humanity wasn’t meant to live and die in a cubicle. We were meant to see the world or at least live on it as happily as we can. We all need to work, but it doesn’t have to be a soul-sucking experience that makes us question the point of continued existence.

The Millennials and Gen Z have an economic burden that previous generations don’t understand. 

We lost a lot during the pandemic. Some of us lost friends, family members, lovers and some of us even lost our own lives. This misfortune is compounded by the fact that the cost of housing has nearly doubled in the last ten years while wages have remained largely stagnant. Then there’s the Great Recession that was actually a depression because a depression by definition is a severe recession with global impacts. We definitely meant the criteria. Then there’s student debt and the slow deterioration of our rights. 

The Millennials and Gen Z have an economic burden that previous generations don’t understand. 

Just let us work in our fucking underwear. 

Let us have this. You’ve taken nearly everything else. 

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Abraham Woodliff - Bay Area Memelord

Abraham Woodliff - Bay Area Memelord

Abraham Woodliff is a San Francisco-based writer, editor and digital content creator known for Bay Area Memes, a local meme page that has amassed nearly 200k followers. His work has appeared in SFGATE, The Bold Italic and of course, BrokeAssStuart.com. His book of short stories, personal essays and poetry entitled Don't Drown on Dry Ground will be available early 2022.

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