5 Things About San Francisco That Confuse a Midwesterner
By Ryan Kellett
Lost in the Fog: Five Observations of An Out-of-Place Midwesterner
As a longtime resident of the Midwest, or as some politely put it, “fly over country”, from a young age I was indoctrinated with a few core principles: winter is six months long and not a day shorter, when someone lets you into their lane you must give the wave, no exceptions, and there is no reason to live anywhere farther than Chicago.
That last principle may come as a surprise, then, when you hear that I decided to leave those rolling plains behind for the hustle and bustle of San Francisco. Such a far move has been an eye-opening experience for me; like my local Tim Hortons running out of Boston creams, I have had to improvise and adapt to these new circumstances on the fly. However, nothing could have prepared me for the contrast between the San Francisco lifestyle and that of my humdrum Michigan background. Here are five noticeable differences I’ve seen between San Franciscans and Midwesterners.
1. We Love Small Talk
In the Midwest, you can learn a person’s hopes, fears, and probably even their credit history just from passing by on a leisurely walk and striking up a conversation. The same goes for anyone you encounter in any aspect of your life. Checkout clerk at your local market? That’s Cindy, her nephew just got back from study abroad. That barista over there at the coffee shop down the street? That’s Nathan, he’s working on his standup comedy career on the side. To contrast with San Francisco, I once said “cute dog” to someone walking their pup at Alta Plaza Park, a literal dog park, and she looked at me like I was a serial killer.
2. We’re Incredibly Polite, Borderline Pushovers
My Midwestern comrades and I will happily bend over backwards if it means assisting you in some form or fashion. I’ll have the door already pried open before you even acknowledge my existence yet. So far I have yet to see that same willingness from residents of the Bay, but it’s probably because they have a little more self-discipline than someone like me who says sorry for every little thing, even if I did nothing wrong and you just happened to slightly glare at me.
3. We Eat Well, But Probably Not Good
Where I grew up, any food I was holding between two buns was something that either moo’d, clucked, or oinked. I also ate my weight in gluten probably every day. Despite California’s status as ‘the breadbasket of the world’, I have seen health-conscious restaurants with gluten free menus flourish. Maybe they are simply exporting all that bread to the loaf-loving community I call home, but one thing is for certain: I worry that as my cholesterol levels and risk of heart attack goes down, so too does my sense of heritage.
5. Highs & Lows To Us Are Life Metaphors, Not Streets
The topography of the Midwest represents its people pretty well. Fairly flat and stable, no surprises. In San Francisco, it’s…a different story (the topography I mean). Catch me in hiking shoes (size 10 if they’re roomy) as I summit a small mountain to get a breakfast sandwich.
5. ‘Big Tech’ Just Means Fixing Our Parents’ Wifi
While us Midwesterners still have a great spirit of entrepreneurship, it’s more along the lines of ice cream flavors or trashy personal injury lawyer commercials. If you say you still need to pay off the .eth gas fees before your web3 launch, I’m going to assume you’re having a stroke. Nonetheless, Midwestern manners don’t take sick days, so I will still say “Good for you!” and continue on my merry way wheezing up the sidewalk, glutenous breakfast sandwich in hand.
There you have it! Five perplexing contrasts between the San Francisco and Midwest identities. If you have any quibbles, or you are a lost Midwesterner yourself, feel free to reach out and we can meet up and chat about it. Just nowhere too hilly please.
