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Sam Bankman-Fried, The Founder of FTX Is From The Bay?

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If you think your life is chaotic, you can rest assured that it certainly isn’t as chaotic as Sam Bankman-Fried’s life. If you’re unfamiliar with Mr. Bankman, he’s the founder and former CEO of FTX, which up until about 5 fucking minutes ago was the 2nd largest crypto exchange in the world before it got caught up in alleged fraud case so big it’d make Bernie Madoff blush and Jordan Belfort nut in his pants. 

And to be honest, that’s not even the craziest part… 

So Sam, or as he is referred to in crypto circles, SBF, took untold amounts of money from FTX’s clients and used the funds to do all kinds of shit. The first thing he did was buy a mansion in the Bahamas with 9 of his friends to form a giant rich kid sex cult. Which, to be fair, isn’t the worst way to spend other people’s money. If the US government stole that money, they’d probably just bomb people or give it out to rich people who would then use it on a giant rich kid sex cult or something. Sam was cutting out the middleman by stealing directly… Allegedly. 

Well, the alleged stealing has caught up to SBF, and seemingly overnight, he has gone from being portrayed in the media as a philanthropic crypto genius that one PR piece referred to as “the most generous billionaire” to literally the face of crypto’s demise in like a week. 

Not only is he fucked, but he’s dragging down other people with him. FTX, which literally sponsored the arena in Miami where the Miami Heat plays, paid a ton of celebrities to endorse FTX. Everyone from the Golden State Warriors to Larry David are being sued because of their promotion of FTX. 

Oh, also someone is threatening to release an SBF sex tape. Which I’m sure is going to be hot as fuck.

I told you your life is less chaotic. 

And you may be wondering, where is this stallion of a man from? What region birthed the Bankman? What place could have the capacity of producing such a God? Silicon Valley, of course!

Yep, SBF is from the B-A-Y. Sam was born in Stanford and went to school in Hillsborough which is also where Marc Benioff grew up. As a side note, if you’re trying to glow up, I’d drive down to Hillsborough or Palo Alto and set your Tinder radius as low as possible and get your shine on. You might get lucky and end up in a billionaire sex cult in the Bahamas… or something.

Alameda research, which is an FTX sister company, was founded in Berkeley, California, which is a city in Alameda County. Coincidence? I think not! 

Or maybe it is. I don’t know. 

His parents are both Stanford Professors, so there’s another delicious Bay Area connection.

He also kind of looks like me if I shaved and let my hair grow out. Yay. 

Tech may have destroyed the Bay Area, but the Bay Area might have gotten its revenge on crypto.

In all honesty, crypto is here to stay, but regulation is coming.

All thanks to the “most generous billionaire.”  





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Abraham Woodliff - Bay Area Memelord

Abraham Woodliff - Bay Area Memelord

Abraham Woodliff is a San Francisco-based writer, editor and digital content creator known for Bay Area Memes, a local meme page that has amassed nearly 200k followers. His work has appeared in SFGATE, The Bold Italic and of course, His book of short stories, personal essays and poetry entitled Don't Drown on Dry Ground is available now!

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