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Satire: Waymo Officially Given License to Kill

Updated: Nov 23, 2022 09:07
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“Wait, if you’re here, then that means… Oh boy!”

Shortly before two o’clock last Friday, Waymo announced its autonomous vehicles now have license to kill. 

“We’re very excited for this innovative new technology to hit the streets,” said California Public Utilities Commission representative Sarah Desk, “and some people.” Cal-PUC granted Waymo a Pilotless Permit pearlier this month, marking any and all pedestrians as fair game. Waymo Co-CEO Tekedra N. Mawakana has reportedly purchased a condominium overlooking the Embarcadero “for the show.” “The carnage is gonna be sick,” said the business mogul.

The helpless bipedal public won’t be the only ones on Waymo’s radar. As a car, it will fulfill its original function and transport people into concrete walls at eighty miles per hour. Even better, it won’t cost a cent. Cal-PUC’s permit “requires that Waymo offer these rides to the public for free.”

“I’m honestly looking forward to it,” said Mission District resident Hamburger Patty. “I hate talking to Uber drivers.”

Professor of Robotics and Engineering Dr. Leonard Wrench feels differently however. Last week he Tweeted a dire warning. “These tech companies, they don’t know what they’re dealing with. Machines are dangerous. Once they taste blood there’ll be no stopping them.”

For some, the culling of innocent perambulants is a welcome change. “Mowing people down has always been a big-ticket issue for me,” said San Francisco voter and drag queen, Grace Period. “I’ve simply had it with crosswalks.” Pending a successful purge of San Francisco, Waymo will present legislation to congress that would require Americans at or below poverty level to let Waymo run them over.

Waymo’s autonomous cars will also offer a Suicide Option, featuring smooth jazz and unbeatable ocean views before driving off a cliff.

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Jake Warren

Jake Warren

A Potawatomi nonfiction writer and Tenderloin resident possessing an Indigenous perspective on sexuality and a fascination with etymological nuance. Queer decolonial leftist, cannabis industry affiliate, seasoned raver, and unofficial earthquake authority.