Why You Might Accidentally Be In A Cult

Not all vegan trans radicals are charismatic enough to start a wacky death cult, but have your eyes peeled if you start noticing the hallmarks.

Fine Print: This article is not intended to offend, harm victims, or bring swarms of cults to our door with death threats. Read with care.

Zizians, who have troubled the Bay Area with everything from tugboats to samurai swords, have been labeled as members of a radical death cult. Leaking oil into the sensitive Bay habitat aside, they’ve been at the forefront of the news because the Zizians are allegedly going around killing people who hold “petty authority.” Landlords, border patrol agents, even parents have been victims. 

The FBI says the leader, Ziz, seems to be “ recruiting transgender members who might be financially vulnerable and ripe for radicalization.” But these days who among us isn’t ripe for radicalization?

Part of the Zizians’ core beliefs, like that AI is damaging the environment, are relatable. We’ve all wanted to run away from home to live on a tugboat called the Rat Fleet, shepherded by a cool leader who wears a Sith Order robe. And veganism is a big part of Ziz. But in isolation, veganism is not necessarily an indicator that you’re in a cult. So what’s a cult, how do you know you’re in one, and what are some of the cults here in the Bay Area?

What’s a Cult?

There’s a difference between believing in something passionately and being willing to die on a hill for it. When the beliefs come from a leader who can’t be criticized, acts with complete authority, and controls or manipulates followers financially or emotionally, it’s a red flag. 

Cults have been around for eons, but we’ve only come to define them in the last hundred years or so. There’s usually a leader or inner circle, there may be sinister or strange beliefs at the core, and there’s often a lasso of control that tightens as members are recruited and initiated. The control might extend to who you’re allowed to hang out with, what you do with your money, what you eat, and even when you shit.  

The word “cult” gets thrown around a lot. There are a lot of groups in that hazy outer ring that might meet parts of the definition, like Multi Level Marketing schemes or certain churches. After all, a lot of these center on the idea of dogma, a set of rules that are purported to be absolute truth. So how do you know you’re in a cult?

Warning Signs You Might Be In A Cult

Let’s say you start a new type of exercise. The exercise feels good and gives you a consistent group of friends. It’s pleasant and convenient to hang out with them. Then you slowly start noticing you’re not doing other activities or seeing your other friends. Every waking moment seems to revolve around the activity, and it starts influencing the decisions you make and how you view the world. That’s how a lot of people get initiated into the cult of Crossfit without even realizing it. 

Finding community is so important these days. Just go in with a clear head and try to avoid the weird ones, especially if they ask for control of your bank account or make you do burpees.

What are the Cults in the Bay Area?

• We mentioned Crossfit and we weren’t joking** 
• Shen Yun. But maybe we’ll allow it. Did you know they just got busted for a bunch of labor violations?
• SoulCycle. For that matter, maybe the bike people at large.
• SF Women’s Club (is the founder problematic or just misunderstood?)
• The entire tech industry, but especially people who think AI will solve everything and can’t wipe their own asses without asking ChatGPT how
• Crypto currency fanatics
• Our dear founder, respected comrade, and supreme leader Broke-Ass Stuart wrote a more serious list for the Bold Italic in 2012, so check that out.

** For legal purposes this entire list is, in fact, a joke. Please don’t come after us, tugboat warriors and greyshirts.

And hey, if you know of a cult that offers free beer and dim sum or something, let us know. We’re not too picky. We’re, well, broke, though… So keep that in mind.