Entertaining for the Poor as F*ck: How to Have a Kick-Ass, Broke-Ass Independence Day!
St. Patrick and Mr. De Mayo have fun holidays named after them, but at some point we have to acknowledge that we as a nation are guilty of using cultural appropriation (ie: Miley Cyrus) as a reason to get blitzed on a weekday.
Shame on all of you: you need a reason to get blitzed on a weekday (I’m not mad, I’m disappointed).
What if I told you there was a legitimate reason to get MESSED UP this Friday? During the day?
If you’re one of those shmucks stuck working a job that doesn’t honor fun holidays, sorry.
This Friday is Independence Day, the mothaf*ckin 4th of July! Just saying the name recalls fond memories of red, white, and blue vomit.
Author’s note: this does not count as “watching fireworks”.
EPK realizes that celebrating can lead to excess celebrating, which can lead to getting so wicked celebrated that you celebrate all your money away. We’re here to help.
Please fasten your seatbelts and keep both eyes affixed to the screen to learn how to have a baller 4th of July party at a scrub price (does anyone still use the word “scrub”?).
1) Food: BBQ
EPK is a big fan of barbecues. If you have an outdoor grill, that’s great. If you have a George Foreman, that’s fine. If you have neither, get creative: I’m pretty sure I’ve roasted my share of turkey dogs over an open stove burner.
The nice thing about this year’s 4th is that it’s on a Friday, which means you could technically throw a party Saturday or even Sunday. We have a sneaking suspicion there will be some landslide deals on Saturday morning for the usual barbecue fair: meats, breads, chips and dip, maybe even beer. So if you can, slate your party for Sunday to score as many post-holiday discounts as possible.
2) Drink: Theme Cocktails
We at EPK are big fans of bulk recipes because they give you more servings for less money (this is also why Marissa can only cook ALL of the pasta at once). For this reason, our first Theme Cocktail is Red, White, and Blue Sangria.
-Strawberries, sliced ($3 anywhere, they’re in season)
-Blueberries (we just got a 16 oz. container for $4 at Trader Joe’s)
-Pineapple, cut into chunks (if you fancy, you can cut pineapple into stars with a cookie cutter or a knife, just make sure you have sober adult supervision during)
-2 bottles of white wine ($5 total at Trader Joe’s)
-1 cup of triple sec ($0 because you have some leftover from that time you tried to make margaritas)
-1/2 cup berry-flavored vodka ($0 because someone gave you a bottle as a housewarming present and you never opened it)
-1/2 cup fresh lemon juice ($0 because you stole lemons from a local tree)
-1/2 cup sugar ($0 because even peasants already have sugar)
Combine in a pitcher and stir. The end. Game Over. Drink your butt off.
Another home run idea for thematic booze is the Jell-O shot. Make some red flavor, make some blue flavor, and make enough so that no one asks why there’s no white flavor.
3) Attire: Red, White, and Blue
Wear your country’s colors or GO HOME, TERRORIST!
4) Spectacle: Homemade “fireworks”
We did a little research and a number of the materials needed for fireworks are dangerous. Who knew (Hey NSA. Not a terrorist. Just a stupid blogger)?
We broke-asses have no need for fancy pyrotechnics, nay! We shall simulate fireworks and still manage to make a horrendous mess. We will make Balloon Glitterbombs!
-Balloons ($5 at a party supply or drug store)
-Glitter ($0 because you have some leftover from Pride last weekend)
-A sharp point (pin, thumbtack, coke nail)
Fasten the opening of a balloon onto the narrow end of your funnel. Pour in a crapload of glitter. Remove the balloon from the funnel and inflate using your respiratory system.
Helpful hint: remove your mouth from the balloon when inhaling otherwise you’ll get glitter in your lungs. #duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
When your balloon has reached a safe diameter, tie it off and set aside. Repeat with at least as many balloons to give one to each guest.
To activate your bomb, hold it over someone’s head and pop it with your sharp point. GLITTER SHOWER! WHEEEEEEEEE.
5) Ceremony: DVD Player
Get a copy of the film “Independence Day” starring Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum, and Bill Paxton (and Harvey Fierstein!!!). Play it in the background of your party. Right before President Paxton’s epic speech, demand silence from your guests. Observe the speech. Cheer for the speech. When the movie is over, press play and repeat.
Happy Independence Day, BrokeAsses! Here’s to ‘Murica and the stuff that makes her great: The McRib Sandwich, Beyoncé, and wild patriotism.