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Professional Drinking Advice For Women Thanks To The CDC

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While the rest of us were screwing around with all that Chipotle nonsense, the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention, otherwise known as the CDC, were launching its latest ad campaign geared towards women and fetal alcohol syndrome. Unfortunately it read more like a fundamentalist Christian attack on your vagina, like this weird-ass meme…

ChristianCrazies

Now that we are all destined to be single for the rest of our lives after magical moments we’ve spent playing with our sin caves, the CDC is warning that drinking can indeed lead to STDs, violence (I’m guessing rape), and babies. Yep. Actual human life. Who knew?

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Photo Credit: CDC

I don’t know about you, but in order to fully embrace being young, broke and beautiful-there has to be booze.

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Photo Credit: Pinterest

For all of you swanky women that just can’t give up your insanely amazing, boozy lifestyle, here are seven no fail, absolutely fabulous rules to professional drinking.

#7  Binge Drinking 101

The CDC claims, “If you drink more than 8 glasses of wine a week you are indeed an alcoholic and should consider depo-provera, because there’s no chance of getting your whore-ass knocked up on that shit.”

No really. If you do drink more than two glasses of wine or vodka a day–you’re stressed. Tell your boss you need a vacation and get a Groupon to a local spa, or lounge around in your pjs after a killer brunch with mimosas. What? They’re delicious and relaxing to the soul.

#6  Safety In Numbers

According to the CDC, “If you drink more than 2-3 drinks in an hour, yeah–you double fister, you should just get a full on hysterectomy to be on the safe side because we know how slutty you get, ya’ booze hound.”

Hahaha. Nah, if you’ve had the kind of day that requires double fisting you don’t have to go that far. Just be safe. Simply leave “drunk you” a note to message a Tinder guy and get a free pizza. If you’re dangerously close to black out mode, drunk you could burn the house down with a Totinos. Then again, what are the odds that really hot firemen would turn up to save you? See. Baby. Stick with Tinder pizza.

#5  Fight Off Violent Attackers

Apparently the CDC found one of the biggest risks for women and drinking, “We open ourselves up to violence.” I’m gonna go out on a limb and hope they weren’t slut shaming, but on the off chance that was not their intention…I bet they meant self-harm, like tripping over your Payless pumps and biting it running after a taxi. Because we both know “drunk you” is not so sexy in the city.

Come to think of it, the only violence I’ve really been privy to after a full-on night of cocktails was accidentally knocking out some red-neck douche in my home town for calling me names. I didn’t even know the guy, and he touched my face. It was more like a violent slap. He then “tripped backwards” and hit his head. What? Good girls don’t make history, or get knocked up by red-neck ass badgers.

#4 Parting Words & Safe Rides

The CDC claims “drunk talk can lead to an ‘uninteded prenancy’, so discussing the full range of birth control methods with your doctor or midwife is best before you go out and get white girl wasted.”

This one is simple. You are a big girl. You know what flirting is. If you’re southern, this definitely applies to you: You have to tell the nice man, who has been buying you drinks all night, that you do not want him to take you home because you indeed DO NOT want any babies or STDs…and heaven forbid you have to get up and cook breakfast for him, because you’re not really housewife material yet. Thank him for the drinks and get an Uber–quick. If you are too drunk for this, arrange a car via the bartender before boozefest 2016 with said hot guy. Weird problem solved. Safe ride home.

#3 Savage Social Drinking Linked To Obesity

When it comes to social drinking, the CDC warns that this can “turn into full blown alcoholism–especially if you’re the kind of girl who regularly gets sauced on more than 1 drink a day. Oh, and booze makes you fat.”

Hello! Put down the gin and tonic. There’s like 175 calories in that crap. If you’re gearing up for a sweet night out, switch to gin with soda water & fresh lime. Packed with vitamin C and no calories, you can have 2 of these in place of one of those Fatty McFattersen tonics and not pack on the pounds. MyFitnessPal has really helped me learn how to be socially responsible with booze, and I’ve lost 25 pounds.

#2 Disease & Alcohol

As if things weren’t dark enough with this damn poster they go and throw the ‘C’ word in. So drinking too much causes cancer. Sure does. Of the liver. It’s not funny. My Nanna had it. At 84 years old. Woman could put back a gallon bottle of Popov on a bad day. That’s not to say you should.

God knows there are already enough delicious treats like hot dogs, gummy bears, and pop tarts that cause cancer–now they gotta throw in booze. Bastards. Keep a lid on consumption or you’ll be on your death bed with a juice box, which is so not cool. I only booze once-ish a week now, cause I’m going out with a flaming volcano or some shit.

And the #1 Rule when it comes to professional drinking advice for women…

“The CDC warns if you get tipsy, you’ll want to get frisky–and head straight to baby town.”

If you and a guy are gettin’ busy, tell him you aren’t on birth control. Even if you are, this is ‘THE’ fool proof method to get him to bag it. Fuck the CDC and get your groove on–just be safe and use a condom. Duh. Even if it means being cheeky. No single guy truly wants a baby, and surely not some guy you met at the latest dive bar to pop up in Prospect Heights.

Go forth, be safe, and get frisky my beautiful little broke-ass boozers!

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Brittany McComas - Sassy Lil' Biscuit

Brittany McComas - Sassy Lil' Biscuit

Sassy Lil' Biscuit moonlighting as an underwater basket weaver. What? It's a valid profession.