It’s spooky season in San Francisco, and everyone celebrates differently. Some of us go to Halloween parties, others stay at home and watch a horror movie marathon instead, but one thing is for sure, we all celebrate.
But the Bay Area is bigger than San Francisco, and each city has its own persona, its own dark secrets. If the Bay Area was one big Halloween house party, and we all had to dress up as the horror movie villains that best represent the various cities we call home, what characters would best represent them?
San Francisco: Patrick Bateman from American Psycho
Credit: Techno Horror Cinema
Extremely wealthy, obsessed with appearances, and completely detached from human suffering. Has a $4,500 studio apartment and thinks poor people are a design flaw. Might fucking kill you if he thinks your startup had a bigger Series A funding round than his.
Oakland: Michael Myers from Halloween
Credit: Facundobidegay
Has been declared dead about 400 times, but keeps coming back. Half the Bay Area is terrified of him. The other half insists he's misunderstood. Secretly related to Patrick Bateman, but they haven’t spoken in years. Complicated relationship with women.
San Jose: Pennywise from IT:
Credit: The Disney Chubs
Lives underground, so people kind of forget he exists, and somehow tries to convince everyone the sewer is exciting. The real horror is paying $1.4 million for a ranch house next to a freeway. Dresses like a clown because he’s in tech and according to Claude those are sometimes at parties. Wishes Patrick Bateman knew who he was.
Berkeley: Ghostface from Scream
Calls you before attacking to ask whether you've examined your privilege. Murder is problematic, but so is your refusal to acknowledge the socioeconomic conditions that produced the murderer. Secretly richer, whiter and more privileged than you. Thinks of killing you as a therapy technique where they’re killing a part of themselves that they don’t like. Related to Patrick Bateman too, only talks to him when they need a disbursement from their trust fund.
Vallejo: Jason Voorhees from Friday The 13th
Grew up neglected, has a troubled history, and lives near the water. People keep telling you to stay away, but the waterfront is actually pretty nice if you ignore the bodies. Hates Patrick Bateman despite the fact that they've never met.
Richmond: Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street:
Had a terrifying reputation in the '80s and '90s. Has mellowed out considerably, but nobody outside the neighborhood believes it. Robbed Patrick Bateman back in the day.
Palo Alto: Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs
Highly educated, articulate, and convinced he's intellectually superior to everyone. Patrick Bateman’s half brother, but never visits because he thinks cities are uncivilized.
Hayward: The Leprechaun from Leprechaun
Tells everyone he knows Michael Myers, brags about having money, but when you ask where he’s from, he answers with a riddle.
Concord: Chucky from Child’s Play
Bigger than people thinks he has. Has a chip on his shoulder because he’s half Mexican, but everyone thinks he’s white. Listens to rap in a lifted truck. Never met Patrick Bateman, but wants to. Hangs out with Leatherface to feel tough.
Antioch: Leatherface from A Texas Chainsaw Massacre:
Big, sweaty, violent in a way that doesn’t make sense. Claims to be or at the very least knows the plug, but never has drugs or money. At the party. At every party. Never invited. What the fuck?
Santa Rosa: Candy Man from Candy Man
Really wants to be invited to the party, but everyone tells you now to invite him. Someone shows up anyway. Doesn’t know anyone so just stands around quietly. After the party brags about being at the party and claims to be the life of it.
Martinez: Norman Bates from Psycho
Looks normal enough, but something is off. Recovering meth addict. Still lives with his mom. Always kinda smells bad.
Walnut Creek: Jack Torrance from The Shining:
Has a wife and kids, lives in a big house. Brags about success, but secretly wants to get rid of his family.
Marin County: All the white cast members from Get Out:
Constantly talks about how much they love Obama and Kamala Harris. Complains about a lack of diversity, but secretly hates diversity. Inherited their money, and gets offended if you call them rich.
Napa: Count Dracula from Dracula
Used to work with Patrick Bateman, but made it big and retired. Only drinks red wine. Lives in a multimillion dollar estate. Patrick and him still talk from time to time, but only because they’re jealous of each other and want to gossip. Somehow never fucking dies. Jason Voorhees used to work for him.
Pleasanton, Dublin, San Ramon: The Ghosts from Casper the Friendly Ghost
The Babysitter who loves to hang around your children. Too old to party, but a reliable friend when you need someone to watch your kids.
Fairfield: The Girl from The Ring
Comes to the party and was technically invited, but no one knows why, but they heard about her somewhere, but not sure where. Rumored to be Jason Voorhees Daughter, but Jason doesn’t like to talk about it.
The Bay Area is a beautiful, diverse place that is filled with some of the best people in the world, but don’t forget, America is a horror movie, we’re just the main characters, and we get to admit it every Halloween.
