I always wanted to know what it was like to be someone alive during the moon landing. To watch it live with your friends and family. I’ve talked to people who did, read books about it, but it still doesn’t replicate the actual sensation of witnessing a moment of technological progress, a watermark in history, culminating into one significant moment.
But thanks to Cardi B, we not only witnessed something similar to the moon landing, but something that surpassed it.
During Super Bowl weekend in San Francisco, the Grammy-winning rapper stepped out of her hotel, witnessed a robot standing on the sidewalk, and immediately chose chaos. What followed was not only innovation, not only progress… but the highest form of human achievement.
The strip clubs of North Beach, the bodegas of the Bronx and the boardrooms of Silicon Valley all collided in a way that could only occur in San Francisco… or a suburb of it 50 miles away.
In a black-and-yellow jumpsuit and heels high enough to challenge God, Cardi began giving the robot a lap dance it absolutely did not consent to, understand, or have the processing power to survive. The robot stood frozen, clearly running Windows 98 internally, while Cardi’s hips moved with the confidence of someone who has never once feared consequences.
For a few beautiful seconds, it worked.
Then reality…and gravity… clocked in.
The robot’s legs buckled like a folding chair at a cookout. Cardi leaned one inch too far. And suddenly the future collapsed. Both went down in a slow-motion disaster, ending with the robot sprawled on top of Cardi like it had just won custody.
Gasps echoed. Strangers rushed over. Somewhere, an engineer whispered, “We weren’t ready. But we are erect.”
TMZ, doing what TMZ does best, posted the video immediately. In the clip, Cardi can be heard yelling, “Get away from my man,” because even while being crushed by a malfunctioning android, boundaries were still being enforced.
The internet, of course, had a field day. One comment captured the moment perfectly:
“Robot.exe has stopped working.”
Cardi did not laugh.
She hopped into the comments with the urgency of someone who has been embarrassed in 4K:
“Delete or I will sue… immediately.”
Then escalated straight to the boss level:
“I’m calling Harvey!”
For context, Cardi was in town supporting her boyfriend Stefon Diggs at the Super Bowl, where the Patriots faced the Seahawks. While grown men were throwing footballs nearby, Cardi B was busy teaching artificial intelligence its first and last lesson about human sexuality.
Rumors are now swirling that she and her boyfriend may be breaking up. The first job lost to automation may in fact be satisfying Cardi B.
The takeaway?
Robots can calculate.
Robots can walk.
Robots can fall directly on top of Cardi B.
And we are clearly not prepared for what comes next.
