Celebrity Chef Allegedly Goes On a Bank Robbery Spree In San Francisco

Listen, I don’t give a fuck if you cook caviar or have a lot of Instagram followers, the Bay Area is so expensive that only one adjective can truly encapsulate the absurdity of the local cost of living, and that adjective is: HELLA.

The Bay Area is hella expensive and as a result of that fact, sometimes people do things that put them at severe risk. In this case, Valentino Luchin, a 62-year old man, allegedly put down the oven mitts and picked up a pen to write a note to three bank tellers in San Francisco demanding cash. I guess that pen is at the very least as mighty as the sword.

I don’t have to make a long winded lefty argument about why poverty and desperation is the source of crime because back in 2017, Luchin was convicted of robbing a bank in Orinda, California. He was caught and he explained to the media that he robbed the bank as a result of losing his job. He didn’t want to rob banks and that it was an act of desperation and a last ditch effort to support his family.

This is a uniquely American story, It’s relatable to almost all of us. Who hasn’t been desperate enough to entertain the thought of doing something illegal to temporarily alleviate the economic burden of living in a place determined to automate you out of a job? It was by no means the smartest idea, but when you have nothing to lose to the extent you’re willing to risk your freedom, is any option truly ideal?

I know San Francisco is going through its pro-corporate, Giuliani-esque, tough on crime phase, but I honestly hope District Attorney Brooke Jenkins considers the fact that this man is a nearly a senior citizen, who is clearly facing poverty and potentially substance abuse or other issues, and spare him a long jail sentence.

I sincerely doubt Brooke Jenkins or the judge is going to ask What Would Boudin Do? Especially when contemplating the punishment for a man who has robbed multiple banks, but I’m doing my best to manifest that outcome.

And if he does get a lenient sentence, I would like to make a plea to the Bay Area’s ever-transient culinary community: Will someone please let this man cook! He should be getting paid to work in a kitchen not sleep in a cell. And if he doesn’t want to, that's fine too. He’s fucking old. Let him chill. But what you shouldn’t do is put a desperate, non-violent man behind bars because life didn’t turn out how he wanted.