Listen, I know most of the my content, comedic or otherwise, is usually based around the fact that we’re getting completely fucking wrecked by oligarchs, and that’s true. We are.
But sometimes some whimsical shit happens, and we need to focus on that whimsical shit. For example, a fucking sea lion was “aaarrrfffing around the Outer Sunset, and here’s everything you need to know.
Early Thursday morning, San Francisco got a reminder that the wildlife here is just as confused as the people.
A 10-month-old California sea lion pup somehow ended up at 48th Avenue and Irving Street in the Outer Sunset, far from the ocean and dangerously close to becoming a local.
Officials believe the pup, now named Irving (because of course he is), started his journey at Ocean Beach before making a series of deeply questionable life decisions. At some point, he reportedly climbed a stairwell, crossed the Great Highway, and wandered into the neighborhood looking confused and curious like he was trying to be a street photographer and he wanted to know where the pastel houses are at before eventually realizing those don’t get as many views as Tenderloin poverty porn and giving up.
“We’re not 100% sure why,” said a spokesperson from The Marine Mammal Center, which is science-speak for “this guy just freestyled his way into the city.”
Park rangers, police, and a volunteer teamed up to wrangle Irving, who was then placed into a crate and taken to a ranger station for the night, presumably to reflect on his choices.
Turns out, Irving is about 40 pounds, which is roughly half of what he should weigh. Basically, he’s a teenager who moved out too early and immediately realized rent (and survival) is expensive.
Young sea lions usually stick with their moms for six to nine months before heading out on their own. Irving seems to have taken that independence and said, “What if I just… go inland?”
Despite being underweight, he showed up to his medical exam at The Marine Mammal Center with a lot of attitude.
“Very active and quite feisty,” officials said, which in sea lion terms translates to: “He’ll be fine, he’s just a little dumb right now.”
He’s currently being tube-fed and will likely stay in rehab for six to ten weeks before being released back into the ocean, where he will hopefully avoid future side quests into San Francisco neighborhoods.
Because one thing is clear: if a sea lion can make it to Irving Street, you can do whatever the fuck you want to do, too.
Godspeed, fellow traveler.
