Sneakerwhores of the World, Unite!

Honesty is the best policy.

For the record, I would not literally fuck a pair of Nikes. Unless maybe they were dipped in gold. But it’d have to be 24k gold. You know, soft enough to not crack your dick in half. But even if my dick did crack in half, at least I’d have a dipped-in-gold pair of Swooshes to show for it. That’s the life of a sneakerhead.

Both True and HUF are San Francisco sneakerhead staple stores with more shoe selection than this sentence has unnecessary alliteration. But don’t motherfucking buy anything there. Despite what my boy Davy would have you think. At least not without checking online first. Shoebacca.com has a ridiculous inventory plus a super-duper-secret way of always getting 10% off every order, which is fucking awesome when you consider that what costs $160 at HUF will set you back only $90 at Shoebacca, and that’s before the discount, son.

Super-duper-secret way of always getting 10% off every order:

• Add shoes to your online shopping cart
• Fuck around and view a few more pairs that you’re not going to buy
• Close-out your browser window
• Follow directions to receive 10% off

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Those paranoid shoe geeks are afraid you’re not going to buy anything, so as soon as you try to leave without buying something'”bam!'”they’ll hook you up with the discount. But there is at least one important thing to keep in mind: It typically applies only to those shoes already in your shopping cart. So load-up before pulling the close-the-browser trigger. If you fuck up and need to start over, clear your cache and cookies and/or change browsers. The latter works best with Safari. For some reason Firefox doesn’t work as well. If any of this makes sense to you, chances are you’re not a sneakerhead. If you still use Internet Explorer, you’re fucking retarded.

• Three brands worth checking at Shoebacca: ALIFE, Creative Recreation and Supra.

  Also, for the record, I would totally fuck these Miami Vice Reebok Pumps.