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Drunk Texting Dos & Don’ts

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So you think just because you’re not actually slurring your way through a drunken late night phone conversation that using the text messaging function on your telephonic device will make you appear less insane?  Think again, friend.  Drunk texting may even be WORSE, because although most of the time, you will appear intoxicated regardless (look no further than sites like Texts From Last Night), when you can actually manage to get the spelling and grammar correct, the thought behind the actual text itself may not be representative of what you actually think or would ever want to say in real life.

However, sometimes the right text message at the right time can really save your life, or prove quite fruitful.  Something you should keep in your mindgrapes: those times are very few, far between, and may not be so positive in the long-run.

The following is a “dos and don’ts” of strategies and people that can help or hinder you in your insistence upon communicating your drunken thought diarrhea:

DO have a friend temporarily/strategically hide people you shouldn’t call in your phone.

If you can’t bring yourself to delete these people entirely, or if it’s just a situation where you can’t call them at that particular moment in time, but you know you’ll be tempted because of demon alcohol, let a friend know who these people are.  For example, one of my friends (thanks, J!) hid a name on my phone by re-naming that person’s name as some non-totally famous baseball player.  The baseball player’s name sounded like a plausible contact I could have on my phone.  Long story short: my ignorance of anything to do with sports paid off (though I DO know who Keith Hernandez is, thankyouverymuch).  I didn’t call the dude I wasn’t supposed to call, and when I woke up the next day, I actually had the wherewithal to look through all my contacts & figure it out so I could change it back.

DON’T text any of your platonic friends with anything that could potentially be sexually misinterpreted.

This can be tricky, especially if you’re close with them and therefore, frequently joke around.  But, even if you do have sexual feelings for them, now is DEFINITELY not the time to tell them.  The least you could do is make a mistake with them in person.  Or you know, not.

DO text one of your booty call reserves if you simply CANNOT resist texting SOMEONE

This is why you have a booty call reserve– so you can drunkenly text them and not care about the outcome either way.  It’s kind of like excessively working out when you break up with someone: you’ve got to channel all that anger energy somehow.  So as long as you’re not texting your ex, your friend, or your boss, consider this simply you blowing off some (sexual) steam.

DON’T angrily text anyone ANYTHING

For one thing, especially if it’s a reaction to something you found out about recently (and especially if it’s an inference you semi-made up from stalking facebook), it’s probably not the wisest thing (in any situation) to text someone passive-agressively, or aggressive-aggressively about how you feel towards them at that particular time.  You know what I’m talking about — these are the “I’m glad you’ve found time away from your busy job to hang out with your secret girlfriend you, asshole”-variety.  You know what can help?  Writing a DRAFT email of exactly what you’d like to say to that person, NOT sending it, and then reading it & laughing the next day, thanking god that you listened to me.

DO run any potential acts of aggression by a friend via text.

If you see an ex you’d rather not see at a party, your first step should be to casually and unnoticeably slip out.  If you simply must stay for integrity reasons, you should definitely get a second opinion about how to react to any potential encounters.  Though this is not really a sex/dating anecdote, the lesson is the same: I recently encountered an aggressively psychotic, racist, drunk, and barely literate hillbilly who continued to “get all up in my face”, if you will, at of all things, a holiday party in which children were also in attendance.  I was having some difficulty stifling my rage, and so I texted a friend also in attendance that I was “five seconds away from shedding some public light on her morbid obesity problem”.  My friend, as anyone rational would, cautioned me against it.  So, I took a deep breath, and just let the bitch dig herself into an irretrievable hole of making an ass out of herself.

DON’T confess weird things to anyone but your friends (or your priest)
So what if you accidentally made out with a cousin, sharted in your pants and now think it’s funny for some reason, or threw up on your date?  No one needs to know this immediately (if at all), unless they’re your priest, or a true friend who will still talk to you anyway, despite you possibly being, apparently, a filthy human being.

DO proofread your texts.

As a rule, absolutely ANYTHING you write should be proofread by you and another person, if possible.  Things like auto-correct can be a double-edged sword: they’re a time saver and can make you appear more competent, but can also insert the word “penis” into things you never, ever intended.  With regards to the latter sentiment, I was totally sober at the time too.  Frightening!

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Stuart Schuffman, aka Broke-Ass Stuart, is a travel writer, poet, TV host, activist, and general shit-stirrer. His website is one of the most influential arts & culture sites in the San Francisco Bay Area and his freelance writing has been featured in Lonely Planet, Conde Nast Traveler, The Bold Italic, and too many other outlets to remember. His weekly column, Broke-Ass City, appears every other Thursday in the San Francisco Examiner. Stuart’s writing has been translated into four languages. In 2011 Stuart created and hosted the travel show Young, Broke, and Beautiful on IFC and in 2015 he ran for Mayor of San Francisco and got nearly 20k votes.

He's been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle, "an SF cult hero":SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York.

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