Full Disclosure: I Want to Go Down on You

Before I even had much sense of what oral sex was (“it’s when you say naughty things into someone else’s ear,” my fellow 6th grader assured me), I knew that going down on a girl was something very unpleasant, something that smelled like fish (turns out Chicken of the Sea is not a good nickname for your gf’s lady parts, even if they’re  chunk light), and it was the way to a woman’s heart .

I was a virgin until I was 19, so until I experienced the hot pocket for myself, I had little information to counter my falsehoods of cunnilingus. “You just spell out the alphabet with your tongue on her clit.” Am I allowed to hum out the melody as well? And isn’t the clit the peehole?

The first time I went down on a woman, it was neither dirty nor fishy. It was an intimate experience – one that I immediately enjoyed and found in no way to be laborious. I was up-close and personal with her genitals while still being able to look up and see her golden skin, the curvature of her breasts, and ultimately the looks of ecstasy that came with each failed attempt she made to muffle her groans. It gave me a sense of control – I could decide to withhold or give her what she wanted with the flick of my tongue. And the taste, if there was any, was more metallic than anything – like I was licking a spoon that someone had just used to stir watered-down lemon juice. Suck on that, 50 Shades.

So as my sexual resume continued to build, I found it odd that so many men spoke disparagingly about the act. What’s not to enjoy? You’re face-deep in vagina – the world’s most sought-after resource. I understand that there may not be direct physical pleasure derived from performing the act, but if you’re any good at it, there’s a heckuva lot of mental pleasure. It’s an ego boost – most women I’ve been gone down on are highly complimentary, and typically the act is a prelude to sex. Oh also, it’s making someone else feel good, which I guess is nice.

As for the taste, rare is the vagina I encounter that actually tastes like much of anything. There is certainly a smell – mainly from bacteria (I once had a girl I was dating convinced I had fingered another girl after rubbing my fingers along the edge of my plug piercing) – but show me a ball sack that doesn’t smell like dead man and cheese. And make sure that ball sack is over 18 years of age.

But what’s most surprising about cunnilingus is how few women seem to enjoy it as much as the movies would have me believe (NSFW). While most women I’ve been with certainly like the sensation of a tongue down there, most agree that it’s very difficult for them to get off from oral sex. Unless you’re this girl, it’s very hard to replicate the speed and pressure that hands, body thrusting, and mechanical devices provide. I had been led to believe that oral was the be-all and end-all for women in the bedroom, so it was a surprise to hear most say that they actually prefer a man to get them off with fingers.

Feed me that taco, girl.

Then there’s another group of women – those who actually don’t want a man to go down there at all. I’ve been with a surprising amount of women who’ve actually stopped me from going down on them. They’ve expressed that it makes them very uncomfortable to have a man down there. They have a certain body dysmorphia concerning their vagina – they feel it’s a dirty and undesirable part of there body, and prefer not to see it themselves, let alone have a man’s face buried in it. While I understand being self-conscious about one’s body, I don’t understand insisting to someone else that they’re not enjoying your body. Perhaps with these women it’s an issue of trust. Perhaps they don’t trust men to not reinforce their own negative perceptions of their body, and rather than risk this possibility, they’d just as soon not experience oral.

Here’s another thing. I have no problem going down on a girl when she’s on her period. Mainly because doing it can even make this guy look smart by comparison. If you’re doing anything right, most of your focus when going down on a girl should be on her clit, using your tongue around her thighs, kissing, etc. At no point should you be encountering blood in those places. And if you do want to use your tongue to bridge the gap, there’s not even a lot of blood. It’s just like you had a long-awaited flossing session.  And maybe you like the taste of blood. And besides, you know what else doesn’t taste good? Semen. So quit your double-standard griping and eat up, pussy.

So if you’re a woman, please, enjoy your body and allow it to be celebrated. And if you’re a man, celebrate that body, brah! Otherwise, I’ll just be stuck in my never-ending pursuit to lick my own asshole.

What do you think? Do you enjoy giving/receiving cunnilingus?

PROTIP: Next time you’re going down on your lady, do at least 5 minutes – make sure she’s warmed up and definitely knows that the attention is on her. Pull back, and with confidence inform her that you’ll be right back and leave the room. Go grab some ice cubes and put them in an opaque glass. Take one of them and put it in your  mouth. When you return to the room, still offer no explanation for why you left, and don’t talk or give any indication that you have the ice cube in your mouth. Proceed going back down on her, holding the ice cube against her with your teeth. She’ll flip out from the unexpected sensation, unsure of what’s causing it. Pull back and smile, revealing the cube. You tricky devil, you! Use your hand to squeeze another cube, slowly dripping water onto her stomach and nipples. Allow yourself to drool ice-cold saliva. Use the cubes all over body. Good job.

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FREE Porn Pick of the Week (NFSW): Tournike. This awesome French reality show where couples compete to see how quickly they can make snobby comments about how much better their dick cheese  is.

New Full Disclosure podcast: Episode 30 – Michael Brandon and 9×6 lube test. Yep. We have a live on-air male/female masturbation session.

Be sure to follow me on Twitter, and see me live on my awesome comedy buddy Nicke Palm‘s show this Wednesday 3/6 at Cafe Royale.