HApocalypse: Comedians Tell Us Their Apocalypse Plans
By Hannah Harkness
Everything is on fire and more it seems like the end of the world as we know it! As a doomsday-obsessed person, I’m always curious about what people want to do in the event of the end of everything! In an attempt to create a beautiful quilt out of gallows humor, I asked several comedians to tell me what they plan to do in the end times in 1-4 sentences.
Hannah Harness: I’ll go first! I’m starting a cult. In the age of flat earthers, there are plenty of people I could easily convince that I am the messiah so I can form a matriarchal cult that protects me from marauders! Also, I will spend ample amounts of time being smug that I can be happy without a smart phone and I know how to cook.
Here are the doomsday plans of several funny people!
Jake Hart: “If I’m still alive, I’ll make a list of everyone I still have a grudge against & make a trek to shit in every one of their parent’s graves”
Anthony More: “In an apocalypse, I would probably go to a farm with a lot of field room so I can see things coming from far away. If it’s slow walking dead type zombies, I like my chances. If it’s world war z type zombies, I could make it a day or two. I’d burn my joke books so no other survivors could come across it”
Marléna McMahon-Purk: “Making sure none of the side effects of the pills cancel each other out before I eat all of them”
Tony Cheslock: “Retaining everything I need to suture open wounds, probably get an AK47 with a banana clip, stocking a cooler with as much antibiotic as I can grab from the local CVS, grabbing up the family and heading for Canada. Also, I have a combat steel broad sword that suitable for a sharpening stone. Even if it’s not sharp the weight of it would make it formidable enough for a confrontation. Lots of rope too.”
Mike Fenn: “I will use the last throes of electricity to binge-watch all of the Ernest and Nightmare on Elm Street movies. I will then bury a box containing only a VHS copy of Weekend at Bernie’s II, a toothbrush, a single-ride PATCO pass, and a 50-pack of condoms in the hopes that, millennia from now, archaeologists of whatever species is next uncover it and wonder WTF (or possibly build a religion around the artifacts). I will finally find one of the aliens destroying society and let them know in no uncertain terms that I will fight with them.”
Andy Lane: “Step one, before everyone knows it’s all going down I’ll ask my right wing nut neighbor Steve (great guy) to borrow one of his pistols, He’ll be cool with it if he’s offered before…step two GUARD MY PRIZED CILANTRO PLANT. The sleeping bag goes right next to it. the palisade I shall build…goes around the cilantro plant. Finding food won’t be that hard, if the worst comes I’ll just raid and elementary school for all their classroom guinea pigs, but by God, I will have fresh herbs to kick up the flavor/convert to a useful cash crop once the order is re-established.”
Andrew Hambleton: “Realistically I’d be one of the first to die. I’m not cut out for survival.”
Katie Boyle: “I’m going to get canned food (obviously) and set out on a trek to the sea. Get a boat. Boat across the ocean (easy right?). Get off in Dublin, steal a car, (learn to drive), drive to Longford where my dad lives and grows his own vegetables and live there forever.”
Kaytlin Bailey: “My whole game plan is to become a rich white guy’s property by getting married. He’s an Eagle Scout with a sail boat & will let me talk in public until that becomes too dangerous.
If that doesn’t work out, I’ll probably go back to the old-fashioned kind of sex work. The kind that predates marriage.”
Matt McCusker: “I’d venture out into the burning wreckage and find myself a freshly orphaned boy. Upon finding him, I’d force him to dance for me at gunpoint until we were both engulfed by the flames of the apocalypse.”
Miguel Damau: “If the apocalypse happens I’m really hoping to travel more. In movies, survivors say they are going to another continent, to find more survivors and they just do it. I’ve always wanted to see the Eiffel tower even if it’s destroyed.”
Alex Grubard: “First I’ll head to the pet store and get a trained vulture for protection because they eat the dead. The vulture will be named Dr. Foster whether it’s male or female. Because of the apocalyptic temperature, the BBQ is going the be phenomenal so I’ll be carrying around a variety of sauces in an artillery belt for all the ribs and brisket Dr. Foster and I eat as we walk the wastelands.”
Rachel Fogletto: “In the apocalypse, I will humor the idea of fighting for about 5 minutes before I remember I don’t know how to climb walls. I’m going to try to sell my body and tell jokes (same thing) as long as I can. I think I’ll make it pretty far because I’m over 30 so definitely too old to be killed for food or skin. Also, maybe get into the antibiotics game and hustle those.”
Darryl Charles: “Depends on the reason for it, I guess. Nuclear: Doing my best Fallout 4 impersonation (getting killed by a mutated mosquito).Gov’t collapse: moving back to the hood. Pretty sure the differences there will be minimal. Zombies: Buying a baseball bat & things to put in it to make it cool looking. Climate change: Swimming towards Kansas.”
Jonas Barnes: “When the apocalypse hits, I’m doing heroin. First and foremost, that’s what I’m doing. I just have to know before I go. If I can pull it off, I’m going to cum right when I plunge it in too. I mean, I tell people bye and that I love them, of course, but definitely heroin and an orgasm.”
Mike Yaeger: “Hoard all of the leftover liquor I can find, then sell the liquor to other survivors, becoming the first capitalist in the new world.”
David Hill: “I will dine & dash on the $100 cheesesteak at Barclay Prime. I will have the best sex ever. Just kidding, obviously. I will figure out what the hell “A Horse With No Name” is about. I will binge watch “Friday the 13th: The Series” which, in my humble opinion, was better than the movie series.”
Liz DeCoen: “I will most likely befriend the wrong guy. I will forget to stretch and pull something while trying to get the perfect “apocalypse AF” Instagram picture. Won’t last too long. ?♀️”
Bronston Jones: “Celebrate”
THE END IS NIGH!
