Exercise Tips For Drunks

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By Rachel Fogletto

My friends are always asking me how I’m able to exercise and drink most days of the week. Motivation to work out is a struggle, even more so when you’re broke, hungover, depressed or even exhausted. I used to make a lot of justifications for not working out, and then one day my pants ripped and I knew I was too broke to buy a whole new wardrobe. So, I went to the gym and took a spin class for the first time. After about 5 minutes I thought I was going to cum and die at the same time, which made realize I had to change my lifestyle to include exercise on a regular basis. Exercise has helped me with anxiety, strength, comfort, posture, and yes, to clear a hangover. A lot of people ask me questions about how I work out with various obstacles, so I compiled a list of the most common excuses.

You Don’t Need To Go To The Gym

I cancelled my gym membership about 4 months ago, and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. It will save you time, money, and grueling walk of shame where you try not to drip any of your nasty beer sweats into someone’s artisanal breakfast they’re enjoying outside at a reasonable hour like a functional adult. You can workout at home.

Put on Workout Clothes Until You Do It

On my day off I wake up and put on workout clothes so I’m ready to go whenever I get to it. Or you can just wear cute leggings out to the bar the night before, pass out in them, wake up, and you’re good to go. Or just workout in your underwear. I would not recommend working out naked, that is how injuries happen when you are vulnerable and dehydrated.

You Don’t Need A Lot Of Time 

You can just do a short burst of high intensity exercise that will suck at first but is totally worth it not just for the outcome but for the dramatics. One of my favorite things to do is loudly curse out the YouTube instructor making me do “man makers” as I sweat out vodka yelling “BUT WILL THIS GET ME EQUAL PAY, VICKY?!” Trust me, you’ll be happy you did it.

You’re Not Too Hungover 

As a regular drinker, I’m a firm believer that if you can’t get your shit done the day after drinking, you probably shouldn’t be drinking. If you’re vomiting everywhere, obviously don’t drop down and get your squat thrusts on. If you do decide to exercise though it’s important to stay hydrated. It will pump out the toxins so much faster and get everything moving to give you more energy. Just remember to shower afterward because you’re going to smell like a booze truck tipped over and crushed you, drowning you in whiskey, leaving you to rot in the sun for the past 12 hours.

Put On Hype Music

Personally, hip hop or punk rock are my go-to workout music genres, but whatever gets you pumped. Again, a good beat or song will keep you in a rhythm and distract you from the sweating and crying. Also, fuck your haters! Look at you, doing pushups. No way your haters are out here doing push-ups right now. Fuck yeah.

Optional: Shame Yourself 

A little abuse goes a long way. I am a self-controlled masochist and emotional shaming has been very effective in motivating me to get the fuck up and take 20 damn minutes to build that booty. If I’ve slacked on my workouts for a few weeks I can see it in my body, Some of my favorite lines I use on myself are “People may think you’re fucking up your life but you don’t have to be ugly too!” and “YOUR ENEMIES DON’T WANT YOU TO BE HOT” but you can personalize your own to trigger you into high gear. This method should be used only as needed so you don’t get desensitized to it.

You got this!

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Joe DeLong - NYC Editor

Joe DeLong - NYC Editor

Former stand up comic, radio show host, mayoral candidate and fetish webcam model. Now I'm the male equivalent of a crazy cat lady.

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