Delicious Recipes for Cooking the Rich After the Imminent Class War

by Willem Frankfort

I’ve never been what one would call an optimist. I recall the famous Rousseau quote:

“When the people have nothing to eat, they shall eat the rich.”

With rising income disparity, stagnant wages, high credit card interest rates, and an increase in automation, it’s getting harder and harder to keep your refrigerator full these days. What might happen if there were no more Top Ramen or toasted American cheese sandwiches to get you through a hard month?

As a former Boy Scout, I believe in being thoroughly prepared for any eventuality. Never having personally engaged in cannibalism, it occurred to me that The Rich might not agree with my stomach, and may need special preparation before they can be eaten.

To set myself (and you!) up for success when we rise to behead our overlords, I’ve compiled five easy recipes – each of which can be easily adapted to non-human meat in the event that a class war apocalypse does not occur:

Pâté Foie Gras a la Nouveau Riche

from thespruceeats.com

Ingredients:

• 22 ounces of fresh liver from an alcoholic trophy wife (or 20 ounces of duck or goose liver and 2 ounces of bacon fat). You want to make sure she’s got a heavy drinking problem, ensuring a nice fatty liver not unlike the force fed geese of yesteryear.
• ½ cup of dry white wine from her cellar. Use the good stuff. 
• Fresh pepper to taste
• Kosher salt to taste
• 2 tablespoons of enriched flour

Preparation:

Slice and devein the liver and lay it out on a baking sheet to be roasted like the hopes and dreams of average Americans. Rub the dry ingredients into the meat, and drown them in white wine, ensuring that each piece has marinated for twenty minutes. Roast at 375 degrees for about half an hour. You don’t want to overcook this dish, as it spoils the texture. Check every five minutes or so as it’s cooking. Remove from the oven and let it cool. Blend in a food processor until it reaches the desired consistency. Serve with crackers.

Slow-Smoked Executive Ribs

from smokingmeat.com

Ingredients:

• 1 full ribcage of a senior executive (or 2 racks of pork ribs)
• ¼ cup brown sugar
• Chili powder
• Cumin
• Mustard Powder
• Kosher Salt
• 1 lemon
• 1 apple
• 1 cup of apple juice
• Worcestershire sauce 
• ¼ cup vinegar
• 4 cloves of garlic

Preparation: 

Season your meat with salt and spices to taste. Really rub it in there, like he used to rub in how much money he used to make in the faces of the poor. Zest the lemon and squeeze the juice over the ribs. Sprinkle liberally with Worcestershire sauce. Blend the apple, juice, garlic, sugar, and vinegar along with the lemon zest until it has an even consistency and pour the liquid over the ribs. Cover and let it marinate overnight (he certainly made you work your share of overtime, and it’s only fair). Smoke at a low heat for six to twelve hours. This is sure to be a crowd pleaser at any barbecue.

Stockbroker Gumbo

Ingredients:

• 1 pound of gulf shrimp
• ½ pound of thinly sliced stockbroker muscle (or chicken)
• ½ pound of Andouille sausage (or ground stockbroker with fennel seeds)
• ½ cup of enriched flour
• ½ cup of butter
• 1 onion, chopped
• 1 bell pepper, chopped
• 1 stalk of celery, chopped
• 8 cups of stock made from stockbroker bones (or chicken stock)
• 2 cups of water
• 2 cups of rice
• ½ pound of okra
• 4 cloves of garlic, chopped
• 2 bay leaves
• 2 tablespoons of olive oil
• Cajun seasoning
• Thyme
• Oregano
• Cayenne
• Salt
• Pepper

Preparation:

Like the stockbroker’s former profession, the preparation of this dish is deceptively simple, except the results taste much better than a housing market bubble. Dip the meat in flour, evenly coating all sides and set the excess flour aside. Heat the butter and oil in a large pot until it is sizzling. Add the garlic and onion first. Once they are browned add the meat, sausage, and shrimp and brown them. Add the rest of the vegetables and cook until they are soft. Add the rest of the ingredients and season to taste. Allow to simmer on a low to medium heat for no less than an hour, adding flour periodically to thicken the sauce. This dish is perfect for a cold night and is best served with biscuits.

Carnitas de los Ricos

from recipetineats.com

Ingredientes:

• ¼ cup of vegetable oil
• 4 pounds of the shoulder meat of a trust fund recipient (or boneless pork shoulder)
• 3 tablespoons of coarse salt
• 1 onion, chopped
• 1 clove of garlic, crushed
• 3 tablespoons of lime juice
• 1 tablespoon of chili powder (or to taste)
• Dried oregano to taste
• 1 tablespoon of cumin
• 2 quarts of chicken stock

Preparación:

With anti-immigrant sentiment on the rise among the elite, no revolutionary recipe list would be complete without this classical Mexican dish. Start by thoroughly salting the meat before browning it in vegetable oil. When you can smell the savory aromas of privilege, take off the heat and add to a baking dish along with the rest of the ingredients. Cover and bake at 350 degrees for half an hour to forty five minutes. The meat should be tender enough to shred with a fork. Serve on soft tortillas with lettuce, cheese, and salsa. Wash down with an ice cold Corona. Oralé!

Jamaican Pension Raider Patties

from thespruceeats.com

Ingredients:

Dough-

• 2 cups flour
• Dash of salt
• ¼ cup margarine or butter
• ¼ cup shortening
• 1 teaspoon of curry powder
• ¼ cup water

Filling-

• 1 pound of ground pension raider (or beef)
• 1 small onion, chopped
• Thyme
• Salt
• Pepper
• ½ cup of beef stock
• ½ cup of bread crumbs
• 2 teaspoons of curry powder

Preparation:

Cut the flour, salt, margarine, shortening, and curry powder together until the dough reaches the consistency of the wet sand on the private beach he or she bought with your money. Stir the water in slowly until the dough becomes somewhat sticky, and roll into a ball. Roll the dough out flat and cut to circles of your desired size. Sautée the meat, onion, thyme, salt, pepper, and curry until nicely browned. Add breadcrumbs and beef stock and simmer until it reaches a uniform texture.  Spoon the mixture onto the middle of each circle of dough. Fold the dough over and press the edges with a fork to close the turnover. Bake at 350 degrees for half an hour and enjoy with an ice cold ginger beer for a true island flavor!