Like many dendrophiles in our community I have been dating dozens of trees over the years.  I’ve had wild nights of passion, and of course slow romantic buildups to incredible, blossoming relationships.

Before I get started with my list of the 10 best trees to have sex with in SF, I’d like to tell everyone about another fellow dendrophile’s work.  It’s a dating site called www.sftrees.com.  It’s better than Match, Tinder, or any of those human dating sites combined. It catalogs all the hot, single, trees in the Bay Area, with their locations along with many full length body shots. And remember to Vote Yes on Prop E for healthy trees in SF this November!  We want a healthy and flourishing tree population in our city!

Now for my list:

10. Zeitgeist’s Forbidden Fruit

I know it’s awful.  You’re not supposed to take photos at Zeitgeist, it’s totally banned.  But absolutely no one has posted signs against banging this scrumptious eucalyptus tree.  Tip: Daphne likes it when you wear a leather jacket and riding boots before mounting.
Location: 199 Valencia St, San Francisco (behind medium tall fence)

9.  The Christmas Miracle

Every year Union Square brings only the finest and furriest trees for holiday romance (Arnold pictured here, a saucy Virginia pine, xmas 2012).  Just mind the pine needles AND all the lights during this time of year, one time my friend Terry got electrocuted while going down on a Hanukkah bush, so be careful out there.
Tip:  Bring an Elf on the Shelf  to watch you be naughty.
Location: Union Square, SF

8.  Asian Delight

In the moonlight, delicately disrobe and frolic through the Japenese Tea Garden until one of these gorgeous Asian beauties calls out to you.  There is a Korean Maple in the back that is absolutely ravenous, but I had to take down its picture because the park staff wouldn’t stop hating.  #jealous #shade
Location: Golden Gate Park

7.  Janis Joplin Tree

For you summer of love dendrophiles this tree isn’t much to look at but it has a lot of groovy history.  Janis Joplin used to sit under it and play the guitar.  So when I visit ‘Janis’ I usually bring a boombox and play Me and Bobby McGee on repeat during our love making.
Location:  Hippy Hill, SF

6.  In a Pinch

Oof! If you are absolutely desperate, this little palm sprig named Jimmy is the biggest trollop in 11 districts.  Tip: Wear protection, I’m talking thick gloves and dungarees.
Location: 14th & Chruch St.

5.  Diamond in the Rough

I know technically he’s not a tree, but after sampling most of the goods on this strange hill, I found a winner.  He is an incredible, passionate, sumptuous, plant and lover, and he is a textbook reason why the saying; ‘it’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean’ rings true. #allnight
Location:  Lombard St.

4. Corpse Bride

It’s not for everyone.  But just because they’re dead doesn’t mean they stop being beautiful.  In the Presidio there are dozens of delicious cypress logs.  It’s been called the sexiest graveyard in the city 3 years running.
Location:  Presidio Golf Course

3.  Tree House of Passion

I had to go to the hospital to get treated for anaphylaxis shock and sex addiction after a week long romp in this tree.  I had so much sap on my bathing suit-area that the doctors had to cut off my pants with scissors.  I was like a crazed guerrilla…
Tip: Stay no more than 3 days at this Airbnb.
Location: Mills Canyon, Burlingame

2.  Cautionary Tale

The before and after picture tells the tale.  You can see what happened to a Spruce named Bruce after a torrid love affair with me.  We burned it hot and heavy at both ends.
Location: Alamo Square, SF

1.Garden of Eden

If you happen to be breaking into the SF Botanical Garden at night, and you see a tree shaking, be mindful of the incredible sex happening and move on to another grove.  Visiting the SF botanical garden for a dendrophile is like going on a sexual walkabout.  There are trees from nearly every corner of the globe, it’s an exotic bouquet of beauty and diversity.  It’s like a big green, Power Exchange.

Tip: Enjoy responsibly
Location: Golden Gate Park, SF