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Why You Should Wait Until Your 30’s To Do Drugs

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Pic via this site

High School and college are a terrible time to experiment with drugs. Wait until you’re in your 30’s. Your hangovers will be worse, but everything else will be better.

Teenagers have no privacy or power. Humorless adults are notorious for barging into rooms unannounced. Parents and teachers demand attendance at functions that require fine motor or verbal skills. These things are a nightmare on drugs. Plus, even if you aren’t arrested you can still be punished. Parents don’t respect civil liberties or rules of evidence, pointing such things out will get you in MORE trouble (which should be unconstitutional.)

Humorless adult yelling. Pic via the website

In your 30’s you have magical things like judgment and disposable income. If you get in a jam, you have the emotional and financial resources to get yourself out.

Before 25 the pre-frontal cortex of your brain isn’t fully developed, and no one knows anything about themselves until they’re 30. There’s a reason “young and dumb” is a thing people say. For one thing, your judgment in people is atrocious.

You’re probably doing drugs in a hot smelly room. Pic via Pinterest

Because you are powerless and have no resources, you’re probably doing drugs with assholes in a filthy apartment with no air conditioning. Even if you’re physically comfortable, some 19-year-old moron will do something “funny” that will give you nightmares for years. 

No one will say or think anything interesting that you can’t read in a Kerouac novel.

You might think you’re cool, but you’re not. Via this website

The lot of you will get in more trouble than it’s worth. And no one will have the brains or the balls to help you when you panic. And even if the folks you’re doing drugs with are “cool,” they’re either too young to have reached the height of their super cool personality, or they’re the kind of adult that hangs out with teenagers which means that they are not cool. If you still think they are cool, you’re wrong because you’re a teenager. When you’re young your choices get magnified by time. Like the butterfly effect, but on life.

As an adult, you’ve build up social and financial resources to mitigate the damage of one crazy night.

Get shitfaced once you have freedom AND money. Pic via this website

You have some value to your friends, colleagues & neighbors. No one has any use for teenagers, not even their parents.

When you’re young the stuff you’re doing doesn’t matter to anyone except you. Look, not finishing your science project isn’t a big deal in that, no actual scientists give a shit, but you’re never going to make it to a real lab with grades like that you burnt out loser. If you come into a real lab too high to function, you can tell your boss that you have to go home. You can also make pure, organic, free-range, drugs in that lab. Later, when you’re less high.

Give future-you the gift of a solid start. Do the monotonous stuff sober to appease the boring adults who are temporarily in charge. Then enjoy the benefits of becoming a cool adult by doing acid in the woods in Maine with someone you love. It’s awesome.  

Pic via Pinterest.
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Kaytlin Bailey

Kaytlin Bailey

Kaytlin Bailey is a stand-up comic. You may have seen her on MTV's Braless, or heard her on SiriusXM radio. She writes for Vice and travels with the CAKE Comedy Tour.