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SF City Hall Sold. Will become Condos and Corporate Offices.

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Citizens of San Francisco received shocking news this weekend when it was announced that City Hall was sold to the Lennar Corporation and will become mixed use luxury condos and corporate offices.

While we’ve seen the shuttering of countless cultural institutions over the past few years, the sale of City Hall to one of the nation’s largest developers is something that nobody expected. Many San Franciscans are obviously outraged.

“Nothing is sacred in this damn town,” complained Sarah Cervantes, a San Francisco native and nurse at SF General Hospital. She continued, “What’s next, condos on the Golden Gate Bridge?”

A spokesperson for the City and County of San Francisco addressed this concern in a statement saying, “Of course we’re not going to build condos on the Golden Gate Bridge. I mean, we haven’t completely ruled it out but as of right now there are none planned.”

Until the Mayor’s Office, the Board of Supervisors, and all the city and county agencies find a new permanent location, San Francisco will be run out of two adjoining janitor’s closets behind the organic cereal bar in the Twitter building. Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced this excitedly saying, “San Francisco has been really good to us. They’ve given myself, my fellow Tech CEOs, and our investors literally everything we’ve ever asked for, so I am so happy to be able to give something back. Plus, part of the deal is that they promise to never make us pay any new taxes ever again!”

As you can see from the architectural rendering above, two 70 floor towers will be added to the existing structure, one for condos and one for offices. While work hasn’t even begun yet on the new structures, all of the condos have already been pre-sold to foreign investors. It appears not a single San Franciscan will actually live there. It was also announced that the office tower will solely be filled with businesses that Ron Conway has invested in.

There are big plans afoot for the main hall as well. The majestic central area under the dome, where thousands of people have gotten married, will be turned into what is being billed as “The Most Exciting Interactive VR Experience Ever”. Occupants of both towers and their guests, will be able to put on VR headsets and travel backwards in time to visit “Authentic San Francisco.” Users will be able to experience, virtually, what San Francisco was like before the soul of the city was chased away. Lennar has mentioned that this new VR Tourism has been a huge selling point for all parties involved.

When asked if they sold city hall for financial reasons, a spokesperson for the City and County of San Francisco responded, “Nah, we don’t even really need the money that much. We’ve got a $9 billion budget! The truth is, we just don’t give a shit any more.”

This story is satire. It is not real…yet.

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Stuart Schuffman, aka Broke-Ass Stuart, is a travel writer, poet, TV host, activist, and general shit-stirrer. His website is one of the most influential arts & culture sites in the San Francisco Bay Area and his freelance writing has been featured in Lonely Planet, Conde Nast Traveler, The Bold Italic, and too many other outlets to remember. His weekly column, Broke-Ass City, appears every other Thursday in the San Francisco Examiner. Stuart’s writing has been translated into four languages. In 2011 Stuart created and hosted the travel show Young, Broke, and Beautiful on IFC and in 2015 he ran for Mayor of San Francisco and got nearly 20k votes.

He's been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle, "an SF cult hero":SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York.