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What It’s Like Spending Xmas Alone in NYC

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Christmas is fast approaching and, thank god, because at this point images of Mariah Carey singing “Santa Baby” literally project onto the inside of my eyelids when I close them. As tough as hearing the same stale songs over and over is, it’s even tougher spending the holidays alone. Luckily, I pushed the few who managed to love me away years ago and am available to help! Here’s some fun ways to spend Christmas alone in the big city from a professional – someone who hates everyone.

All I want for Christmas is for you to stop playing the same songs over and over.

1. Get Drunk And Get A Regrettable Tattoo

This is a beloved tradition of mine. To the point: I even got “NEVER DON’T NOT REGRET” going down the inside of my right wrist. I believe it started in my early 20’s with a tombstone and a thumbs up that was tattooed so poorly the “R.I.P.” on the tombstone actually reads, “N.I.P.”.

Instant Regret

Gradually they got a little better – an alien character I used to draw when I was 5, that quite frankly looks like he was drawn when I was 5. A banana in sunglasses and a jean jacket playing electric guitar. Even, a senior citizen writing “Gramps” in graffiti. No real guidelines on the content. This is your body you’re paying to scar, after all. I do suggest you go somewhere shady though. Follow the old shop adage, “Good tattoos aren’t cheap and cheap tattoos aren’t good.” Perfect. You’re all set!

This whole thing started because I was walking home from the subway one Christmas, passed a shop with a sign that said “10 Dollar Lip Rings” and drunkenly thought, ‘Wow! If I get a lip ring, I can get Hep C too? What a deal! This place must be reputable!’

The bonus? Ink poisoning can kill you. No more lonely nights! I included drinking, but for this one it’s optional. Drinking will make you bleed more in the process which, depending on exactly how lonely you feel, may not be a bad thing. As I said, your body. Your decision.

2. Get Drunk And Harass The Families at Rockefeller Center

Something’s are simply too beautiful not to ruin.

If you make a NYC Christmas to do list and it doesn’t have Rockefeller Center on it, the board of standards and practices shows up to behead you with a candy cane scythe. Every year New Yorkers make the pilgrimage by the dozens and every year, it is exactly the same. Lights, a picturesque ice-skating rink, miles of Christmas displays, laughing children, joy, the gorgeous 72 foot tall tree. It’s gross. Someone ought to ruin it. This is New York, some down and out dirt bag is definitely going to ruin it. Why not be that dirtbag? I believe in you. Take the initiative.

It’s Christmas. You’re alone. It’s easy. A large percentage of the attendees still believe in Santa. All you do is wander around menacingly and tell them he isn’t real. They let me write fake articles for a reason.*

*I’m smart.

3. Get Drunk and Crash The Train Show

This is getting pretty repetitive but I just told you, I’m smart. There’s not much point writing anything else after that. The train show is a lesser known staple of NYC Christmas tradition. Every year the New York Botanical gardens set up displays of scale model train lines and landmarks.

Fun fact: The Brooklyn Bridge was erected in 1852 by bums and depression.

The one thing they forgot? You guessed it! Lonely, drunk people. You can be one of the jarring bums that make this city what it is! I haven’t done this one yet, but it sounds so necessary to the integrity of the scale models, you’d honestly be helping the people who probably end up kicking you out. Extra credit if you drink to the point of vomiting and public masturbation too. Those tourist’s and kid’s are going to learn some time.

4. Get Drunk. Just Get Drunk.

Merry Christmas from all of us at Broke-Ass Stuart and the patron saint of alcholism, Charles Bukowski.

You’re lonely and vulnerable, why stay sober? So you can make good decisions? So you can better yourself? Be active in your recovery? That’s preposterous. There’s about 7,000 bars in one borough alone. Not to mention, the poorer and more desolate the area, the more bars and liquor stores there are. NYC is literally covered in watering holes. Highly taxed water holes, but watering holes all the same. The only other thing you can find with the same regularity here are failed artists, addicts and mentally ill people. Weird. Wonder if that’s related.

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Tiana Miller

Tiana Miller

One gnarly dude, man.