Jeff Bezos’ Cat Now Richest Cat in World, Following Divorce

The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news

Washington – Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced Wednesday that he and his wife of 25 years are seeking a divorce.  Current ‘richest man in the world’ Bezos is reportedly worth $137 Billion, but if his divorce goes through, his individual worth could go down by $66 Billion.  Jeff & wife Mackenzie did not sign a prenuptial agreement, and in Washington State that means 50% of his assets could be on the chopping block.  The news shook up friends and family as well as Amazon shareholders who feared for the value of their Amazon stock.

Bezos’ cat ‘Princess Sprinkles’, held her own press conference Wednesday wearing a diamond crown reportedly worth $1.7 million.

Not everyone was upset with the news, the Bezos’ cat ‘Princess Sprinkles‘ who stands to win a significant percentage in the settlement was overjoyed with the announcement telling the press via Skype Wednesday, “this day was a long time coming, finally I’m going to get mines.”  Sprinkles Bezos addressed the press from the family’s new penthouse in Queens NY, wearing a diamond-encrusted crown and resting on a kitty bed reportedly made of real fox, “a lot of haters have been talking about me, now they can throw their shade somewhere else, Princess has too much shine for that.”  Before concluding the interview Princess Sprinkles added, “No prenup, you gots to pay up.”  Then she got up, and did that thing that cats do where she put her tail in the air, turned her backside to the viewers, and slowly walked away.

“No prenup? You gots to pay up.” – Princess Sprinkles Bezos

Ivanka Trump’s estranged cat Fredo Catleone, “my seafood empire will have me back on top in no time.’

Formerly of the ‘worlds richest cat list’, the Trump family cat ‘Fredo Catleone‘ was quick to respond to the Bezos’ press conference, and released a statement late Wednesday evening addressed to: ‘All his fans and admirers’.  Fredo made it clear that he still “buys caviar and kitty litter by the cubic ton,  and that his unconfirmed ownership stakes in ’27 different Long John Silvers restaurants’ are doing “very well”.

The Walton family cat, part of the Wallmart family empire, was questioned by reporters Thursday morning.  Many speculate that the family’s cat ‘Anderson Pooper’s‘ net worth will put him at #6 on the ‘PetSmart richest cats in the world’ list in 2019.

The Walton family cat known named ‘Anderson Pooper’.

Anderson Pooper spent most of the interview licking different parts of his hindquarters and batting around hundred dollar bills. Periodically he would pop his head up to look around the room nervously, but said very little. reached out to the Gates Family cat who may be dropped to #2 on the world’s richest cat list, But Catintosh Gates was unavailable for comment.  Catintosh runs the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation for Cats, and is currently vacationing abroad in Luxembourg.

Catintosh Gates is believed to be vacationing in Luxembourg.

*this is satire, we did not, in fact, interview these cats for the Petsmart richest cats list.

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

We wanna send you and your friend to see Azure Ray

Next post

AT&T Park Renamed With New Terrible Corporate Name

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

I'm the managing editor here at Broke-Ass Stuart. I enjoy covering Bay Area News as well as writing about Arts, Culture & Nightlife.

If you're a writer, artist, or performer who would like to get your work out there, or if you've got great things to promote, we've got 120k social followers and really fun ways to reach them. We make noise for our partners, and for our community.
alex at