Fast Food Chain Promises ‘Meatless Burger’ Will Still Cause Diarrhea

The famed ‘meatless’ burger has passed the testing stage and is now making its way into major fast food chains across America.

Fast Food CEO and spokesperson Randy Hambuckler, reassured the press this week that, “although the meatless burger does not contain the fast food meat you’ve come to love, we do promise that it will produce the same diarrhea that customers have come to expect from their fast food.”

Fast Food Spokesperson Randy Hambuckler

Plant-based protein substitutes for beef are on the rise across the world, and with good reason.  Factory farming cows comes at a great cost to the environment, it also produces massive amounts of climate-changing methane gasses, not to mention the unspoken and glaring moral question of slaughtering millions of animals a year on an assembly line.

“Look,” Hambuckler said to the crowd, as he took a bite from a new meatless burger, “I promise you that while I’m eating this delicious, meatless burger, my buttocks is already clenched in anticipation of what’s coming,” said Hambuckler as he winked to a heavy set reporter.