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Which Famous A**Holes Are Going To Burning Man 2019?

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Which rich and famous stars will sparklepony up to Burning Man 2019?  We have a pretty good idea already, based on their public comments, social media posts, and history of going to Burning Man every year because they can afford to. We’ve compiled this fairly determinative list of which famous people are going to Burning Man 2019 to plug-and-play once they step off their private jets funded by Trump tax cuts and Instagram influencer payouts. 

Of course, there is no way to say definitively whether a certain famous person is going to Burning Man more than three weeks prior to the event. Health issues, sudden weddings, or unplanned life events can come at you fast, no matter who you are. Perfectly good Burners cancel their Burning Man plans every year, and this is even truer for wealthy asshole Burners. But from what we can tell from public remarks and social media shit-talking, these are the richest, most famous assholes likely to be at Burning Man 2019.

Image: HBO

THERANOS FRAUDSTER ELIZABETH HOLMES: PROBABLY GOING

Legendary asshole Silicon Valley shyster Elizabeth Holmes attended Burning Man last year, despite facing 11 counts of conspiracy and fraud, plus the fact that her company was completely disintegrating around her and baffled employees stuck at work had no fucking clue what was going on. Considering that her trial begins in August 2020, this is likely her last year of freedom for nearly a decade. Why wouldn’t she go to Burning Man?

We know Elizabeth Holmes went to Burning Man last year, because amazing journalist Jocelyn Silver recently recovered a ton of Holmes’ deleted social media photos. Among these we see Elizabeth Holmes at Burning Man 2018 with her now-husband Billy Evans, for whom she dumped former Theranos president and her conspiracy and fraud co-defendant Sunny Bulwani.  Oh, to be a fly on the wall at that attorney’s bench.

Image: Instagram

GOP TREASURY SECRETARY STEVE MNUCHIN: PROBABLY NOT GOING

Straight-to-DVD Bond villain and Trump Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin was shirtcocking around at one Burning Man past, according to his wife Louise “I obviously married for the money!” Linton. We don’t know for sure which year Mnuchin was there. But Linton tells Los Angeles Magazine that “He went to Burning Man one year,” and “That was years ago! I have pictures that I won’t show you.”

Would Jared and Ivanka bring Mnuchin on Air Force One to Burning Man, just to rub it in that they’re such powerful assholes that they can? I can’t say they would. But I can’t say they wouldn’t.

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#BossBae 🔥

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BILLIONAIRE HEIRESS PARIS HILTON: PROBABLY GOING

Sponsored content gangbang pioneer Paris Hilton now fancies herself a Burning Man DJ, a ghoulish canard of privilege that’s received so little community pushback that Burners now accept it as truth. She has been at Burning Man for the last three years, and considering she has no real job, there are no obligations to keep her from attending again.

If hanging with asshole models at turnkey camps is your thing, Heidi Klum, Karlie Kloss, and Cassie regularly attend Burning Man too.

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Elon musk flamethrower FTW

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SKRILLEX & DIPLO: DEFINITELY GOING

Corporate dubstep assholes Skrillex and Diplo were allegedly booed offstage at Robot Heart in 2014. We know Skrillex was at Burning Man in 2017 and 2018 , as was his asshole dancehall sidekick Diplo (seen above). Skrillex has already announced his Burning Man 2019 plans, and Diplo’s tour dates show he has no arena shows between Sept. 1-7, but he’s in scheduled to play in Las Vegas right after Burning Man ends.

Image: Instagram

PUFF DADDY OR DIDDY: MAYBE GOING

What’s this asshole calling himself these days? Not sure. But pop star and purveyor of fine apparel for the asshole demographic Puff Daddy is not on tour this year, did attend Burning Man in 2013, again in 2015, again in 2017, and proudly commodified Burning Man in a Fiat commercial in years past.

burning man

ME: DEFINITELY GOING

I’m that asshole who calls other people assholes even though I’m doing the exact same thing that those assholes are doing. Hell, I’ve even got two of the above-named assholes are on my Spotify right now! These famous assholes, admittedly, are some of the most creative and motivated people in contemporary arts and culture. They don’t have time to build their own cupcake art cars because they’re busy and they generally have more important things to do. But I will squat alongside them on federally managed lands for a week and have Star Wars-themed raves together. And in a way that’s kind of a beautiful thing.

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.