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10 Literally Insane Astrology Questions for the Hosts of the OrBits Podcast

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by Hannah Harkness

Elise Edwards (L) and Julia Schachter (R) host OrBits Podcast

No online magazine would be complete without an astrology section, but we also want to be a publication that asks HARD CUTTING EDGE QUESTIONS! We at BrokeAssStuart reached out to professional astrologers/ comedians Julia Schachter and Elise Edwards with some tough questions to get the real dirt on how the stars make people tick! 

Julia and Elise host OrBits, a podcast where they determine the full astrological birth charts of comedians and give them the low down on what the stars say about their personalities. The astrologers both have their own approach to interpreting charts which results in a dynamic analysis of the comedian being interviewed. Even if the comedian does not believe in astrology, the result is hilarious and introspective. Julia and Elise unsurprisingly stumble across a lot of deranged personality quirks in their interviewees, so we decided they would be perfect to answer some deranged questions of our own to really put astrology to the test:

What sign would be most likely to be a proselytizing vegan that eats human flesh in secret?

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EE: Hmm…proselytizing vegan who is a down-low cannibal?Anyone with a Gemini moon. It’s the ultimate Dr Jekyll / Mr Hyde Placement.

JS: Pisces. Pisces cares about saving things (many Pisceans have martyr complexes), but the sign isn’t known for its staying power/resolve. Acknowledging and/or respecting boundaries also tends to be an issue. Finally, Pisces is ruled by Neptune, planet of glamour and illusion. The adage “looks can be deceiving” holds very true here.

What sign would be most likely to leave their inheritance to a ferret that only has a 3 year lifespan?

JS: Libra. Libra is ruled by Venus (which represents, amongst other things, money). Libras tend to be extremely conflict-averse. Relationships are incredibly important to them, but it’s important to remember that a fundamental Libran belief is “all’s fair in love and war.”

EE: Whatever Sun/Moon combination Macaulay Culkin is… Just looked it up: Virgo Sun/Pisces Moon.

What sign is most likely to have 20 house plants in their house that they gave first and last names that they also fuck?

EE: Again Virgo with Pisces Moon. also Virgo with Cancer Moon. Definitely a Virgo though. They are the green thumbs of the zodiac. What they do with those thumbs, completely up to the individual (and the rest of the natal chart).

JS: Virgo. Virgos love plants, they love details, and (contrary to popular belief) they are horny all the time.

What sign would be most likely to dedicate their life to proving that Abraham Lincoln does not exist?

EE: Aquarius, for sure. The WaterBearer is all about challenging any belief widely accepted by society (a la Alex Jones.) Gemini, also good contender for this kind of unwarranted contentiousness /revisionist history. (examples: Donald Trump, any Gemini you know.)

JS: Scorpio (as long as said Scorpio truly believed Lincoln didn’t exist). Scorpios may have the tendency to be suspicious, but that’s part of what makes them best detectives. They can be relentless (ruthless, even) in their pursuit of truth, and can be very comfortable exploring the various “underworlds” involved in their research. As far as someone who would do that while fully believing Lincoln did exist, Taurus. Stubborn AF.

What sign would be most likely to only post pictures of raw meat as their profile pics on tinder?

EE: I feel like a Scorpio Sun with an Aquarius Moon would definitely look for love using raw meat photos.

JS: Aquarius, because Aquarius is all about being weird. Plus, it’s a very cerebral sign, and arguably the sign with the lowest sex drive, which really takes the pressure off, perfect-profile-wise.

Which sign would be most likely to bring an axe to a pillow fight?

EE: A Virgo would bring a an axe to a pillow fight for practical reasons (It’s a pillow fight in the woods. Can’t run out of firewood). An Aries would bring an axe to a pillow fight because they are super competitive.

JS: Aries. Aries is very “act now, think later.” Plus, Aries is ruled by Mars, the god of war. Also axes are cool. Side note: I once matched with an Aries guy who wrote me the beginnings of an essay which he titled “WHY I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER WHO LURES PRETTY GIRLS FROM THE INTERNET TO BARS AND THEN MURDERS THEM WITH AN AXE.” (This is a very Aries thing to do.)

Which sign would be most likely to sleep in a giant bird’s nest that they made out of broken pool cues and human hair?

EE: Whatever sign Max Bruno (Broke-Ass Stuart NYC Editor) is (Aquarius?) Also an Aries with lots of air on their chart.

[Editor’s Note: hey what the fuck, Elise]

JS: Cancer. It’s the sign of the nurturer, and very home-oriented. I can’t imagine anything more Cancerian than sleeping in a literal nest.

What sign would be the most likely to drop out of tech school for HVAC and then go into foot porn?

EE: Capricorn sun with a Pisces Moon.

JS: Sagittarius, Aquarius, Pisces. These are the “march to the beat of their own drummer” signs. All three tend to be existentially quixotic. Plus, in medical astrology, Pisces rules the feet.

What sign could you convince to sit on your ex girlfriend’s stoop and howl like a dog and shit everywhere for the first three days after you break up?

EE: Again. 100 percent Aquarius. Specifically Aquarians with strong Cancer influence. Either a Cancer Sun with an Aquarius Moon, or an Aquarius with a Cancer Moon. I could also see a lot of Sagittarius and Aries people getting a lot of enjoyment out of performing this task as well.

JS: Capricorn, but you wouldn’t have to convince them, you’d just have to pay them. Most Capricorns would do anything for the right price.

What sign would be most likely to have a personal revelation and finally get their life together after years of being cold and resentful to everyone who tried to get close to them while watching one of those screen savers with the pipes that they used to have on Windows 98 for 37 consecutive hours in a Clockwork-Orange-esque eye-stretching chair and only listening to Africa by Toto on loop with a vibrating cock ring in their mouth?

JS: Sagittarius. Sagittarians needs a lot of personal freedom, they can be very detached, they can be very navel-gazey, and sexually, they’re usually down to try anything. Also, bonus, Sagittarius rules foreign lands as well as published words. “Africa” is a song whose lyrics are about Africa, written by someone who was not born in Africa.

EE: WOOOOOOOF. Leo. Definitely a Leo.

For more from these remarkably-insightful-even-in-the-face-of-total-madness astrologers, check out one of the best Astrology podcasts – OrBits Podcast – wherever you listen, and follow the show at @OrBitsPodcast on Twitter/Instagram.

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Hannah Harkness

Hannah Harkness

Hannah Harkness is a stand up comedian, writer, and neo vaudeville human surviving in Brooklyn, NY.