Federal Judge Orders Trump to Untie Screaming Damsel From Train Tracks
A judge rejected the President’s argument that he was immune from “meddling do-gooders.”
Monday, Oct 7 2019 – A federal Judge on Monday rejected a bold argument from President Trump that sitting Presidents are immune from investigations into their “dastardly deeds.”
Now, in addition to allowing the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office to move forward with a subpoena seeking eight years of the President’s personal tax returns, the judge’s decision may be the first step in persuading the President to free buxom blonde up-and-coming starlet Queenie Cassidy from where he has her hog-tied with rope in the path of an oncoming train.
Join our weekly newsletter so we can send you awesome freebies, weird events, incredible articles, and gold doubloons (note: one of these is not true).
The Judge’s landmark decision, which came a little more than a month after the Manhattan district attorney subpoenaed Mr. Trump’s accounting firm, demands that President Trump disclose his personal and corporate tax returns dating to 2011, and that he refrain from throwing round black bowling-ball-sized bombs at anyone who attempts to liberate Ms. Cassidy from where he holds her captive.
“PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!” Trump could this morning be heard screaming over the train’s roaring engine. Unconfirmed reports from the ground also indicate that, after wailing this and shaking his white-gloved fist at reporters, the President twisted the ends of his greasy, curled moustaches.
Presidents and their families and businesses are not above the law, according to this Judge’s new ruling. However, how the case eventually plays out in court remains to be seen.
Mr. Trump’s lawyers have already called the ruling, and the pleas to release poor Queenie from her perilous position bound with hemp rope in the path of a tooting locomotive, politically-motivated components of the ongoing “Witch Hunt” against the President.
The Justice Department, led by Attorney General William P. Barr, did not say whether it agreed with Mr. Trump’s position that Presidents “are masters of trickery, and cannot be foiled!” But, citing the constitutional questions, the department said it wanted to provide its views.
The Constitution does not explicitly say whether Presidents can tie an innocent young damsel to the train tracks and doom her to a terrible fate while prancing and cackling like a contemptible dandy-boy, and the Supreme Court has not answered the question.
Mr. Trump’s lawyers have sued to block attempts by New York lawmakers to gain access to his tax returns and to get the beautiful Ms. Cassidy off the tracks, saying that making the President’s tax information public or forcing him to free his struggling victim would cause him “irreparable harm.”
In his remarkably candid 251-page ruling, the Judge called the President’s argument “fucking stupid” and “Like, cartoonishly evil. I mean… it’s… he’s got a lady tied to the train tracks like we’re in fucking Rocky and Bullwinkle or some shit but still just gets to keep being The President I guess? What the fuck is going on? I feel like I’m going insane.”
Ms. Queenie Cassidy declined to comment on the grounds that she was gagged and tied to the train tracks by an unhinged maniac, but reporters were able to reach her family which issued a brief statement:
“It is our highest hope that those we elected to govern can fight and reverse this gross extension of Presidential power as soon as possible. Innocent lives hang in the balance, most urgently, Queenie’s. We have like 90 seconds tops to get her off those tracks before she’s crushed to death.”
Despite the Judge’s strongly-worded decision, Mr. Trump’s lawyers quickly appealed, and the appeals court agreed to temporarily block the order – meaning the fate of his tax returns and of Queenie Cassidy may take months in court to resolve.