ComedySan Francisco

Salesforce Exec admits he has no idea what ‘CRM’ stands for

Sign up for the best newsletter EVER!

“I couldn’t live with the shame any longer.”  Chad said to the Dreamforce audience at his keynote titled ‘How to Crush CRM and Unfuck your Salespipeline’.  Chad, a 3 year Vice President of Sales Strategy, told the crowd of eager young salespeople, “I have to come clean, I didn’t know what CRM stood for until I was asked to write a speech about it, I assumed it was a nerd thing like ‘VPN’, or ‘ADHD’,”  he continued, “but once I learned it stood for ‘Customer Relationship Management’, I knew it kicked-ass.”

The seven salesmen in the audience applauded enthusiastically, fist-bumped each other, and then went out for ‘shots of goose’ and ‘networking’ at Dreamforce networking event called B2B Marketing Bash.

If you’re interested in crashing some of the corporate Dreamforce parties this week for the free food and drinks, here’s a list of some parties.  Salesforce and other corporations will be dumping millions of dollars on food, merch, and marketing materials this week, most of which will be tossed right into the garbage, so at least some of that grub should be consumed by people who appreciate it, (if you can stand a crowd of mostly super privileged software engineers and salesmen).

Also, Salesforce spent millions on their celebrity speakers this year, including Barack Obama, Megan Rapinoe, Tim Cook, Emilia Clark and a lot more.  Obama reportedly makes around $500,000 per speech these days.  It’s no wonder the median rent in SF for a one-bedroom apartment is $3,700, while there are people without homes, suffering on our streets.  Cool, bro.

* *The beginning of this article is satire, sadly the parties with titles like App Bash 2019 and the CMO Confessions Cocktail Party are still very real, and so are the millions of dollars poured down the drain at this event every year.

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Are New Smart Devices Really Better Than Old Dumb Ones?

Next post

As Impeachment Proceedings Continue, Some Suggestions for The GOP

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

I'm the managing editor here at Broke-Ass Stuart. I enjoy covering Bay Area News as well as writing about Arts, Culture & Nightlife (not so much nightlife anymore).

If you're a writer, artist, or performer who would like to get your work out there, or if you've got a great product or service to promote, we've got 120k social followers and really fun ways to reach them. We make noise for our partners, and for our community. alex at